As a mom, I know this. I’ve known it from day one.
I never had a problem letting my babies cry. Sometimes they needed to release pent-up energy. Sometimes they needed to express their opinion. (Naptime sucks, Mom!)
But they always eventually stopped. And they went back to being happy again. Actually, they were generally happier after a good cry because crying helped them fall asleep and get the rest they so desperately needed.
I remember loving the deep sleep I experienced after crying myself to sleep as a child.
Not that I would choose to create a situation to make me or my child sad.
But life happens. Sad things happen. Kids grow and my Mama Heart grieves over forever-gone stages.
Like this:
I painted that bookcase dollhouse early on in this blog. I was so proud that my daily habits opened up hours in my day and I had the time to be creative. I’m (obviously) not an artist, but I did a decent job and my three year old daughter loved it.
And played with it.
For a while.
Then she grew and got some fancier dollhouses, but this one continued to function as a bookshelf. I would feel tinges of sadness when I noticed she no longer played with it, but it was still there to make me smile.
And then . . . we rearranged her room. A new bed. A white bench with shelves.
And there was no longer a space for my artwork. She agreed that it needed to go. Her only reason to keep it was that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
My feelings were hurt. A little. (But that’s not her problem.)
I lugged it out to the Donate Pile in the garage. I took a picture.
And I was sad for a moment.
Just like I was sad when we sold our thrice-used crib in a garage sale. My heart pounded in my chest as that pregnant mama loaded it into her car. I had a moment of panic as she drove away.
I was sad. And being sad was okay. I lived through it, and then experienced the joy of not tripping over the pieces of that crib. Of not grumbling every time I had to move them when I needed to get to something on the shelf behind.
And now, I remember the day when the crib was gone with both an ache and a smile.
So I’m okay being sad about this artwork being gone. I have the picture to remember it by.
And really? It’s so much more fun to reminisce while looking at pictures, snuggling on the couch than while digging through clutter in a dusty garage.
Really. It is.
I don’t want to pretend that my sentimental sadness compares to the real sadness and loss some of you have experienced. I’ve heard that people who struggle with hoarding can often trace their struggles to a traumatic loss in their life. I’m sharing a post by my friend, Amy, of Raising Arrows who lost a child. In the post, she talks about how grief affected her relationship with stuff.
--Nony
Thank you thank you thank you! for this post. Can I please link to it in an upcoming post on my own blog? I would really appreciate it 🙂 This has inspired me to think about and share about when and why my poor habits began.
Of course! I love links!
Sentimental attachment is a HUGE issue for me, often I keep things because one of my girls made it or gave it to me.
I am working on taking a step back and swallowing the realization that my “babies” are 22 & 19, and that new memories are made daily, and stuff is just well, stuff.
Thank you so much for your inspiration!
AMEN! This is me and the exact post I’ve been (unknowingly) looking for to get a move on and move some things ON.
Thank you for this, Nony!
I don’t remember where I originally read the tip to take a photo of something sentimental but no longer needed. But, it’s a great tip! It helped me with getting rid of childhood toys, favorite outfits from high school (why did I want them??), and more importantly, things of my dad’s after he passed away (clothes, etc.).
A photo lets me go back and revisit those memories without feeling like those things are gone.
If you are having trouble letting go of “things”, try taking a photo and see if it isn’t easier to let go.
Also, it’s much easier to store hundreds of photos instead of hundreds of “things”. 🙂
And, you are so right about it being ok to be sad.
And I have found that sometimes just taking the photo is enough – you don’t even have to look at the photo ever again! Weird – I had a pair of shoes that wore out and I was really sad. Took a photo and now when I remember the shoes I think “at least I’ve got a photo”, but I have never gone back and looked at the photo
Thank you for this – sentimental sadness is good to FEEL every once in a while. My babies are now three and five and seeing the changes every day… it sometimes makes me so sad! I love your blog and thanks for this post especially.
I cannot tell you how relieved I am to know that I am not alone in this. I have 4 kids: 5, 11, 13, 14. I have papers upon papers from them that I simply cannot let go of.
Oh, my gosh. Your post is awesome on it’s own, but here’s the gem that I found.
“… proud that my daily habits opened up hours in my day and I had the time to be creative. ”
THAT’S WHY I fail!! I make choices to get my daily routine done, gain some free time, and then get lost in my new found interest in my hobbies…. losing the momentum I’ve made at my daily tasks. *sigh*
I found an app for kids’ artwork. Keepy. You can add the date, the child and where they created it along with notes. I have tossed so much art into the recycling this year since I found it!!
Must look that up, Tania!
Thank you Tania for sharing with reader about Keepy
The website is http://www.keepy.me
Offir
CEO
Thank you. We recently got rid of the shelf we painted for our first baby. We were still fairly newlywed (a year or so) and it was our first big project together. Now that baby is eleven and there are four more too. That shelf was old and passed down to us when we got it and was starting to edge towards the unsafe side of being old. But I’m still sad it had to go. It was part of a huge chage in our lives and represented our love for our first baby. But it was time to let go and we knew it. Thanks for the reminder that the sad feelings are ok.
I think it’s important to remember that feeling sad isn’t *necessarily* a sign that we’re making a mistake. When I sold my flute, I cried on the way home. At the last minute, I wanted to clutch it back. It was small and only sold for $200, so it wouldn’t have been awful to keep it. But we’ve had instruments in my family that were kept until they were useless, or near-useless, and I didn’t want that to happen to my flute. I also started out with a used flute, and wanted another child to get a flute that was still pretty decent. My first flute was hard to play and came in an icky green case. It didn’t look shiny like the other girls’ flutes and I was embarrassed by it, but I was still grateful that my grandmother had been able to afford it. I wanted my new flute (a special gift from my mom, out of her inheritance from my other grandmother) to go back in the world while another little girl could still be proud of it. It was bittersweet, remembering how excited I had been to get that flute but also thinking about how excited the next girl would be (her mom was surprising her for her birthday).
In my purges, there has been a few things that I wish I had held onto. Of course, I gave away all my too-small clothes the month before I started losing weight (18 pounds so far!). 🙂 I’ve rebought yoga DVDs and balance balls. And I can’t think of them now, but I know I’ve given away a couple sentimental things that I later regretted. I have to keep telling myself that it’s worth it. The life I’m building without clutter is worth a few mistakes. Sending my flute out into the world again before it was all rotted up was worth my sadness, and it didn’t change how much band was a part of my high school life/identity or how much I love my mom (who died almost 12 years). And it gets easier to let go of things, because I learn to trust that it’s almost always worth it, and the mistakes are things I can live with.
All that being said…I really like the idea of taking a keepsake photo! I’m also reminded of your recent podcast about getting rid of baby clothes and having your MIL reassure you that it’s ok to keep one special outfit. Thanks for this opportunity to reflect. 🙂
Thank you! I have trouble with sentimental items also. I I’ve gotten rid of some things i regretted. I have to learn that it’s ok and not be afraid to make decisions going forward.
Thank you, Dana for linking to my post. That was one of those posts that needed to be written, no matter how bad it hurt to write it.
I must admit reading what you wrote here, I felt your sadness. *sigh* they grow up way too fast for my liking.
And now I am off to look up that app Tania suggested!
It was such a beautiful and honest post, Amy. And such a first-hand look into the direct effect of grief on one’s relationship with stuff.
Wow- I feel like your posts just keep getting better; even more insightful, sensitive, and entertaining all at once. I especially like how you simultaneously acknowledge and validate the gravity of deep attachment issues, while encouraging us to overcome the more habit-induced ones. And I sooooo see myself in your examples. Thank you for inspiring us with your honest, relatable journey. Keep up the wonderful work!
Thank you, Eli!
OK, Dana. This post about being sad is just too funny. I not only tossed my vhs tapes last month, I passed on my children’s large homemade dollhouse that had turned into storage for overflow hats and gloves and shoes and stuff. And it was sad. I nearly cried.
But the joy of it is a young mom painted and decorated it the way I had always intended to and gave it to her young daughter for Christmas! My sadness turned into someone else’s joy.
I felt the same way, hsmominmo. My daughter and I put together a doll house, painted the outside…and just never found the time to do the rooms. My nieces loved working on it when they would come over and I wound up giving it to them. Someday I’d like to do another one, but there’s so much going on in my life most of the time, I’m afraid I’d wind up finding someone else to give it to. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You made another mom and little girl happy, and I made my nieces happy. 🙂
You are right Krisy, it’s a good thing! I loved seeing that old doll house come to life and the joy on the face of the little girl who now plays out a whole new world in it. How fun that your nieces can enjoy it – what a blessing you and your daughter are to have made it possible for them 🙂
Wow, that would be really tough for me to get rid of. I would have made a case in my mind for saving it for the grandkids that will come along some day. I definitely have way too many toys saved from when our son was young. I really need to reevaluate some of them now that we just moved. I’m usually really good about taking pictures of things and giving them away or throwing them out if they’re not useful, but some of my son’s childhood things have been tough to think about parting with.
I think the hardest things for me to part with are the ones with sentimental value. Mostly things having to do with my kids and my parents. Especially a few things that were my father’s. He’s been gone ten years and I still wear one of his old watches from time to time, and I don’t care how stupid it looks for a woman to wear a man’s watch. I’ll never get rid of it.
I keep coming back to this post. I really have struggled letting things go for sentimental reasons. Sad wasn’t ok. Who knew how important it would be for someone to give permission to be sad. I was never given that freedom, I just just let things go and never look back but that’s not how I’m wired. But to hear someone say it’s ok. Wow. Powerful.
Thank you so much for this comment, Chris.
I regularly watch ‘Hoarders: Buried Alive’ & it is always heartbreaking to see the children’s rooms piled to the ceiling with things they don’t want anymore, but aren’t allowed to get rid of due to their parent’s sentimental attachment to everything the child has ever owned.
I must say how happy I am to have found your website. A friend of mine “liked” you on Facebook, and when I saw the name of the website, I thought, this is the place for me, LOL! I am crying reading it is OK to be sad. I won’t get into why I hold/held onto “stuff”, I have stopped holding on so tight, but I still struggle with all the things I haven’t let go of, and really think this blog and other resources you offer will help me on my journey to de-junk! I am weeks away from 45, with a hard working hubby, 19 year old daughter, and 15 year old son. Thank you Dana
Welcome, Kimberly! Letting go is sooooo hard, but worth it!
I normally love your posts and have all you books but I just couldn’t get past the beginning where you say you let your babies cry themselves to sleep that just broke my heart.
Babies need to be able to soothe themselves back to sleep. I’m sur me she didn’t let them cry constantly. It if they actually needed something. . But sometimes they just need to cry it out. If they are sick, hungry or need a diaper change, you take care of that.
I didn’t let my babies cry either.
I like this post though. I have way too much stuff that I can’t let go off. I’m hoping reading this is going to help me.
Thanks so much for posting it.
-Robin
“It’s so much more fun to reminisce while looking at pictures, snuggling on the couch than while digging through clutter in a dusty garage.” ~ This line REALLY helped me think about letting go of some things. Thank you!
Kelly
Thank you for posting this. It’s a reminder that memories can never be replaced. Objects are not the memory, are just a reminder of something I already know. I can’t bring back the past, but a photo keeps clutter from overturning me.
So, years ago, I decided that I need to go through all the baby stuff I had. My kids were 17 and 19 ! I had the hardest time getting rid of the Pack n Play. I put a high price tag on it in secret hopes of not selling it ! The family that bought it twice came back twice to look at it !! I wouldn’t budge on the price as they negotiated with my husband. I still regret selling it, and think it from time to time. It was even in great shape!
Maybe it would make you feel better to know that they update safety issues on baby things. And stored too long, they can get dry rot. I’ve saved mine forever for grandkids. Expecting my 3rd soon. My first daughter didn’t want or need it. Guess what? My daughter that is pregnant doesn’t like it either! Even though i tended the first two (and the third will be living with me), it never got set up and we never needed it.
Thank you. My brother was living in the house my parents bout in 1977. He passed away just before Christmas this past year. I have my own family and home a thousand miles away and have managed to take a leave of absence from my job to empty and sell the house. I am so very sentimental and am having a hard time deciding on what things to let go of. I know it will not be possible or healthy to pack everything up and move it into my own home. The grief and sadness I feel at the monumental task at hand is overwhelming. I come from a family of makers and the thought of throwing away those things breaks my heart. You are right, I will be sad and that is ok. I need to remember to take lots of pictures and to just let go. Even de cluttering my own home lightens the load. I hate to think of the weight of the things of my family that I want to keep will add up. Thank you again for the reminder that albums are easier to reminisce over than inches of dust in a packed garage.