Yesterday, I shared about my normal friend who felt pity for me and asked if she could come over to help me clean. She phrased it as “helping me get caught up after summer.”
However she wanted to see it, I was grateful for the help.
Since it was her. I can count on one hand the number of people whom I would “let” help me clean my master bedroom.
Here are a few more observations that I made while watching her clean. Not that I didn’t do anything. I was desperately trying to pick up to keep from getting run over.
4. She didn’t make piles.
Here’s where the cleaning-and-decluttering-are-two-different-things part of my brain had a hard time. In many ways, this is exactly what I’ve been learning over the two years of my deslobification process. My two decluttering questions operate on this principle. Go put an item where it goes right then. Don’t make a pile that will ultimately mean you haven’t made any progress at all when the time comes for you to head to the school pick-up line.
“Ultimately” . . . because you might never come back to that pile and it will just be re-arranged clutter.
But she didn’t even make ANY piles. No let’s-put-the-pens-here-until-I’m-ready-to-move-to-the-next-spot.
While this meant she was doing a lot more moving, the process went much faster and each area, as she moved on from it, was TOTALLY clean.
Hmmmm.
5. She wasn’t intimidated by the dirt.
When she asked to clean my bathroom (seriously), she seemed genuinely disappointed that it wasn’t disgusting. I had cleaned it on schedule the Monday before. She cleaned it anyway, though, and just sat right down on the floor, pulled on her medical gloves
Dust flying in the master bedroom didn’t freak her out. She didn’t seem to consider that the dust was getting in her hair and on her skin and up her nose. She just knew that she would shower and change before going out to dinner that night.
Now, she does acknowledge my germaphobia issues, and even sympathetically asked (as a true friend would) if perhaps my aversion to cleaning was some deep psychological issue that developed because as a child I would get sick from the dust after cleaning.
Yeah . . . I don’t think that’s it. But it was nice of her to ask.
As I cleaned the bathrooms Monday morning (post-workout and pre-shower), I tried to take this to heart. Just get disgusting, and then shower it off.
It’s okay.
6. She was nice.
I know that this isn’t really a cleaning method that I can imitate, but it impressed me.
I didn’t expect anything different, because I do know her, but it still meant a lot. There was no judgment, no horror, no chastising, and very little advice. Just some truly practical tips and no “How do you not just (fill in the blank)?” accusations. I know, from experience, that this is a rare find in a friend, and I’m extremely grateful.
Well, I don’t know about germophobia, but the *feeling* of dirt and gunk on my hands used to keep me from all kinds of housework. I hate, hate, hate having stuff on my hands. I grew up and got over it, and now I just wash it off or wear gloves, but I still hate it. ugh.
Am I sad – I’ve been looking forward to this post all day!! Yesterdays post got me to tidy master bedroom today! But I did make a pile, in fact three, whoops!
It’s so true about the difference between putting stuff in piles vs. TAKING ACTION. I think, for me, this is at the heart of why I’ve been a slob for 30 years. There is something in my brain that makes me think I have to put something on a to do list, like it’s a mandatory middle step:
1. Think about something you need to do
2. Put it on a list (or in a pile) to be done at some grand appointed time that is appropriate for taking action
3. Take action at the grand appointed time (when you may or may not be motivated)
So I ended up with piles of stuff in my house or in my head that needed to be done, and I was overwhelmed.
In the past few months I finally realized this and have been trying to cut out the middle-man, and boy has it made a difference. Another thing that has made a HUGE difference is being realistic about what I am going to do vs. what I say I intend to do but I really don’t WANT to do so I will procrastinate on it, but it’s wrong to say that I won’t do it, so to avoid internal conflict I keep it on the perpetual to-do list and say that I intend to do it while really, if I’m 100% honest with myself, I’m never ever going to do it. Sheesh – life is so much easier now that I’m learning to say no and cross stuff off the list before it ever gets on there in the first place.
Sorry for the rambling. 🙂 Love your site, I can relate to everything you write and it’s so nice to read your posts and know that I’m not alone!
Love how you referred to it as cutting out the middle man. So true!
i too am crippled by lists! i even make them at work, with estimated times that each task should take. when even one task takes longer than the appointed time, i am totally thrown off, and end up not being able to finish half the remaining items. and yet, if i *don’t* make a list, i get overwhelmed, and can’t even begin!
I had a somewhat similar situation with my sister last week. She was just putting things away, when I had no idea what to do with it. I was amazed at the progress we made. Thanks for sharing your experience as I thought I was the only “weirdo” who did things differently.
See my sister has wanted to come “help” me clean forever…but she’s 14 yrs older than me and for years would laugh and tell everyone how i’d have to marry rich since i couldnt clean…sigh….
so i’ve forbidden her to do that …cause she’ll judge…
i’m so tired of living like this…to the point..i LOVE my pets..pets in general but i will not replace these when they go..the hair, the litter its too much..(2 cats and a dog) i’m not a good enough home keeper to have them and my sanity…my magical new house isnt cleaning itself..darn it…sigh..
i just don’t understand why we have so much stuff/junk on the floor..yet i’ll walk by, sigh…complain….cry…get depressed..yet…never. does. it. get picked up…
i’m trying to convince myself..and hopefully dh..to pick up one thing on our way to and from….the difference that makes..one little thing…
anyhow…thanks for your blo.g..should be a support group..lol
Your message made me sad because I love, love, love my dogs! It is true that animals and children are tough on tidiness. But maybe you shouldn’t close the door completely on having pets. I grew up in a house that had a lot of different pets, and I decided that I would never have any pet that lived in its own feces. In other words, no litter, newspaper, aquariums, etc. So that is a no to birds, fish, cats, and rodents. But I couldn’t be completely happy without my dogs. So when your cats are gone, don’t replace them, but when your dog passes on…look for a dog that doesn’t shed. I have a schnauzer that I adore…and no shedding! Our other dog does shed, so I understand the frustration. And no matter what, you will still have scratch marks on furniture, the occasional pet stain to clean up, and regular pooper-scooping of the yard. Still, it is worth it to have my precious puppy, and my home is still basically clean…just lived in! Good luck in your journey!
Oh, and just a thought…my husband doesn’t pick up after himself very much, either. But I had to change my heart about that and just figure it was something I could do for him as an act of love. Besides, stuff not put away bothers me more than anyone! Every time I pick up something he leaves out, I silently tell myself that I’m doing it because I love to serve him. He may never notice…but the job gets done and I don’t find myself feeling resentful. And once in awhile…he does put something away! If your kids are messy, you still have time to lovingly train them to clean up. But only after you set the example. God bless!
That’s what I needed to hear today. Pick up after him as an act of love.
What a lovely way to put it, feeling resentful is soul destroying, seeing it as a act of love changes you over time and its a calm place to be with yourself.
Celina, I can relate to the situation of walking by a mess, knowing it is there, getting depressed about it, complaining about it, etc., but it never getting cleaned up. The good news is that I’ve been taking baby steps, and with God at my side (because really, this journey has taken more spiritual help than physical or mental help), I’ve made progress. It has felt so slow at times, and there were many moments when I got disheartened and was sure that my progress was too small to make a dent in my situation. HOWEVER, I can now see a difference. I have changed, and my house is no longer a source of despair for me. Thank you Jesus!
I just wanted to encourage you that there is hope. Hang in there!! It’s taken me about five (or more?) years to get to this point, but it was well worth it. (And I shudder to think where I would be if I hadn’t started trying to change five years ago!)
Also, I can relate about older sisters. I have two – they are 7 and 8 years older than me – and I can absolutely related about not wanting them to come over and help me clean. I was bossed around enough growing up, thank-you-very-much. 🙂
Nony is too kind! That is me, under the bed. She is completely honest, and that honesty allowed me to clean under the bed. She does so many things better than I do that it would be ridiculous to pick away at something she is trying to improve about herself while there are so very many things she knows I need to work on in my life. We all have them…areas we need to improve upon. And I think a messy house can be at the bottom of the list when she has an amazing family, wonderful talents, and a strong relationship with God. Time I spend with her, even just dusting, is a blessing to me.
You know we all want you for a friend, right? 🙂
I second Wendy – about 3 years later… 🙂
And I third y’all… about 2 years after this comment. 🙂
I’m just thinking “I wish I had a friend like that!” I have a sister-in-law who wants to come get me cleaned up and organized, but I know that’ll cost me in SOME way for the rest of my natural life, so I keep refusing her.
You are such an ispiration! I feel as if am reading my own journal when I read your post. You have helped me in more ways than you will ever know. Thank you. You are truly blessed to have a friend that will help you with no judgement. Hear! Hear! To deslobification!
Love it! And yes, I’m very blessed. The no-judgement-thing is huge, and so rare.
Thank you so much for your blog!! As celina boulanger said it truly should be a support group! I am starting my journey of deslobification too. It is so fascinating to watch “cleaners” clean. My husband is one and I’m always watch him in awe and ask him constantly how he knows where to start and what to do!
You have motivated me to continue to try and that I can “deslob” LOL
Thank you! You CAN do it!
I, too, was waiting (slightly impatiently) to read the second half of this story.
I have gone back and forth on doing the piles thing because I feel like I’m not getting much accomplished when I stop to take every item to its place, but then I HATE having a bunch more things to do when everything is sorted into piles. I am going to focus the next two weeks on just taking items to their spots.
As always, thank you, Noni! (And have I ever mentioned that my daughter’s name is Naomi and she goes by Nomi? With the M not an N.)
Wonderful, inspiring post Nony. You and “normal friend” are blessed to have each other.
I got into the “Fly Lady” a few years ago. One of the tips I picked up was that, in order to de-clutter a room quickly, you should get a trash can, a donate box, and a “put away” box to put the things that need to go to another room. (Maybe that’s not what FL meant for me to do, but that’s how I interpreted it.)
Well, guess what? Throwing items into the trash or the donate box as I went through a room decluttering was easy. Liberating in fact. Getting started was the hardest part. But as for the “put away” box, all I accomplished there was accumulating boxes full of stuff that never got put away. Essentially the same thing as moving piles from one place to another.
So, no more of that! When I pick up things that need to be put away, I put them away. Sometimes that means 20 trips from the family room down the hall to put away things like handfuls like pony tail holders, handfuls of crayons, handfuls of toys, etc., etc. If I put the handfuls into a box to distribute to their proper places later, they’d never make it. I still have boxes of “put away” stuff still piled up from FL days.
I’d toss some of those boxes of stuff without even looking at what’s in them were it not for the fact that there are a few gems in there somewhere that I would love to find and really do not want to spend the money to replace. Like the telephoto lens to my Canon Rebel camera and my good Gingher sewing shears. I’d put them in a box to put away, and now I have no idea where they are. So, no more “put away” boxes for me.
As I make all these trips back and forth down the hall putting things away, I try to remind myself that I’m burning calories as well as de-cluttering.
Yes! Doing it this way is great exercise!
Hey Nony,
Another great helpful post. It helped me push through some cleaning I really needed to do.
I still struggle with the piles thing, because I have a two story house, and also when I don’t make piles at least of things that go out of the room, I wind up bouncing around my house-you know as you take the something to the bedroom and put it away you see three things on the floor and after you pick them up you see something that belongs in the study and while in the study you find something you’ve really been wanting to read and can’t throw away until you do, and when I run out of energy (which I inenvitably do) I find my house is a little bit cleaner everywhere, but actually clean nowhere.
My compromise and I’ll let you know if it works out, is if I’m cleaning until a room gets done, then I’ll make piles, but the room doesn’t count as done until the piles are return to their places. When I am cleaning by the timer, then eveything has to go to where it goes, but I being on the timer helps keep me a little more focused.
Oh dear on these last two posts! I have the mental discomfort of being your friend and you in the same brain. The arguing and chastising can get a little loud in there since Clean Me is not so kind as your friend! There is a lot of “WHAT is WRONG with you?!!”
Like your friend I love cleaning (I was a housekeeper for 12 years and sometimes itch for a nice grubby house to clean and make sparkly) and have the boxes of medical gloves to prove it! I have gone through 7 stainless steel polishes to find the perfect easy one, I love the cleaning aisles and regularly open the bottles to sniff new fragrances, I have an extensive toothbrush collection for scrubbing crevices and I cannot comprehend not having at least 10 cubic feet of cleaning rags.
I also can stand staring for ridiculous amounts of time at a pile of something and then not even touch it. I am actually in high knee territory in the M Bed and Bath at this time. When the other me is “in charge” I clean until I am exhausted and feel like I have OCD and can’t sleep until everything is just so, even switching and folding laundry at 3 AM after nursing a baby. I have honestly thought I was bipolar but found a list of adult ADHD symptoms and thought “AAAhhhhhhhhh”- that is pretty much me.
I am trying hard to blend these two Shannas together just for the peace of our household and to set an example for the kids.
Thanks Nony! Diaper and dishes right now!
“She’s nice.”
You CAN imitate this! It’s difficult, because it requires giving yourself a good talking-to sometimes. But be kind to yourself. I find myself making judgment about being a failure because I can’t keep this clean or that clean or whatever. Be nice to yourself! Say good things out loud, if you have to. Tell yourself how you’re making such good progress, how you’re strong and empowered and doing a good thing. Make a point of re-phrasing any back-handed compliments, and when you find yourself saying things like, “You’re doing such a good job, even if you aren’t going to get the vacuuming done today,” try to stop yourself when you hear that EVEN THOUGH coming out. Rephrase it to “even though you’re tired and you didn’t want to,” or something that makes it an even bigger compliment.
It’s a lesson my therapist asked me to work on during my first meeting with her, and over a year later I’m still having to be mindful of the way I talk to myself. But I saw something once that pointed out that we wouldn’t let our friends talk to us the way we talk to ourselves, and it really hit home. I wouldn’t treat a friend the way I talk to myself, so it’s time to treat myself better. Easier said than done, to be sure. But worth every bit of effort.
Just discovered this post/blog. It really hit home with me. BTW, “normal” friend isn’t normal. She is wonderful. I too, have an older sister who is rarely allowed into my home. To much judgement. Your before photos look so familiar. But a major overhaul of my living space the past few years has helped me immeasurably. That and my therapist who has taught me how to be nice to myself!
My oldest sister visited me for the first time in 5 years(and unannounced) when I recently had a baby, and within 20 minutes of arriving, she said “Your house is a disaster area.” But apparently not so grubby that she couldn’t bring herself to sit in my kitchen eating my banana bread. 😉
I learned in an organization book once that many if not all chronic messes have one or more mechanical problems the equivalent of tightening a screw or the like. It is hard to see in your own life but a fresh set of eyes helps. I use to care give for some one who was a “slob” I was I hired to help her. Others had worked very hard doing major overhauls only for it to end up the same way as it was. I was told it would be a never ending job. Honestly she was not a true slob, she was a hoarder and hadn’t been able to move past a lose. She never had dirty dishes left in her sink and she was always caught up on laundry. She just never put anything away. Over the course of year coming over twice a week for two hours. I wasn’t allowed to do stuff for her but to help her do it. We went through every spot actually twice cleaning out do you want this yes or no. Purging and establishing a spot for every thing. She did have too much at first but the real issue was you can’t put things away if they don’t have a spot. Another mechanical problem she had was she pretty much lived in her recliner. She eat opened packages and used tissues all right there. The kitchen trash was ten feet away but she didn’t walk over there rather than try and train herself. I brought a mini trash can to sit by her chair. She still had to do it. But it was easy after a while I told her. Her job before I got there the days I came was to make sure she through away the trash around her area not to judge or because I had a problem with it but to reinforce the habit. Once those few things were corrected. She no longer had a need for me. We ran out of things to clean. I worked my self out of a job. I tried it with someone else and made no progress at all in the same length of time. She didn’t have laundry or dishes down she always made excuses and really ever was she ready to get to work when I arrived. De cluttering and organizing are with activities not for activities. I am not a miracle worker and I don’t have a clean house. I am a slob. I have a bit of slob vision and had to work it out of me. I am one of the people your friend was talking about. Childhood baggage about cleaning kept me from cleaning. No germ a phobia for sure here. House was always a mess except when we had a housing inspection. We usually knew for a couple weeks but the amount of work we did was mild until crunch time. Then my mom would get a whole bunch of Pepsi (it was her pre coffee day) pull an all nighters usually having to go to the laundry Matt I would stay up as late as I could helping the house not clean but parts were. When I woke for school it be clean except for my room which was simply picked up. When I came home from school every inch sparkled. My bed was made everything was put away I didn’t know where anything was and “this time we were going to keep it clean” total new set of rules I felt on eggshells in order to keep it clean within a week or so it didn’t sparkle and we didn’t have those rules. As an adult after massive cleans I felt on edge being in my house. Even though I hated it before I could not make myself keep it clean. I gave up on making pig pens sparkle. I needed to slowly adjust my eyes and mind to being at home in a clean house. I focused on making systems for mail and garbage getting rid of clutter and finding homes for stuff. I didn’t touch cleaning supplies hardly ever. My eyes have adjusted a bit I can see messes sooner. But I am still lazy about cleaning. I want to be able to train me little ones to clean up after themselves. I have seen Babies and toddlers clean up after themselves not the dishes or laundry but had a light bulb moment anything a little one can get out they can put back to the level they got it out a baby takes objects out of a basket he puts them back. A toddler takes a basket of tools off a low shelf the toddler can put the basket back on the same shelf in the same spot if they are taught that is what is expected of them. Habits are hard to change would not have it been awesome to grasp this stuff at two! I think a lot of parents don’t even think about training there little ones or its just faster and easier to do it themselves. That is my theory on “normal” people seeing a mess and cleaning it with little to no thought vs everybody else who has to learn the hard way.
You have a true friend indeed. Thank you for being honest on your site. I feel I can be myself and “confess the mess” without being judged here.
I have recently begun this little ritual and I find it very useful. I call my two children downstairs and tell them it’s straightening time. Then I have them follow me around as I gather the detritus. I hand off things to each child with specific instructions on where it goes. They scamper off full of joy to be helping their mother – well, not really – but they do go put the stuff up and then they reappear waiting for the next item. Saves me steps and invests them with some slight interest in not leaving stuff everywhere.
Sounds like you have a wonderful, grace-loving friend. When I was going thru a major depression a “friend” came to clean my apartment. I ended up feeling worse about myself afterwards and I spiraled into even deeper despair. I could write a novel about it, but I won’t. Well, I’ve written parts of my story on my blog but not particularly this issue. She treated me like I was a lazy bum hell-bent on making the world miserable. Turns out I had a severe Vitamin D deficiency that was affecting me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am much better now thanks to Jesus, treatment, and recovery. It is refreshing to read how your friend handled your mess – with love, grace, respect, and no condemnation. Give her a hug from me.
Piles. Yes. I did the big declutter yesterday. Now there are piles … Slowly being distributed around the house by a littlie 🙁
Actually I might go deal to them right now!
Very similarly, I use the ‘Full Hands’ method… I fill my hands and then go put things away… I just have to be very careful not to toss things I need (I’m afraid to find out how much that retainer is going to cost).
Then I start where ever I ended up dropping the last things off at…
Not making piles, and cleaning with a goodwill box and a trash bag helped my son finally get through all his nine bedroom shelves and have a clean room in the long process. We watched a favorite show episode by episode in between shelves. It was lovely. Thank you
We have a “clothes heaven” (where good clothes go when they don’t fit) basket in our bathroom. If it doesn’t fit or it’s not the ’80s anymore, it goes straight into the basket. This way, there is no putting things in a pile waiting for my next run to Goodwill. Our closets are getting more organized because there’s a place for those items to go. When it’s filled, then it’s time to go donate. (There was also “shoe heaven” when our girls were growing up – kept us from having shoes of all sizes everywhere.)
I need a friend like yours!
Your friend sounds amazing – I wish I had a friend like that near me.
I’m stuck between normal and slob. I love helping others, but have to limit myself sometimes. Then if I haven’t helped someone in a while I seem to loose steam on my own journey…
I rarely get the kind of help that helps me at my own house.
That’s okay, learning to accept that.
My go around is to actually just hire people to help keep me accountable and help with the energy portion.
(I literally begged a college student who I passed on the street to give me a chance and help out. I gave her my full name & number to look me up, and she called back!!!) The thing about college students is… most graduate and move away. Boo-boo!