I was so excited to run to my latest Donate Box and start digging.
We’d recently received news that gyms were closed. While I’m an on-again-off-again gym user who wasn’t the least bit devastated, there are members of my family who were very discouraged.
So when “exercise bands” were casually mentioned in the conversation about what we wish we had for working out at home, my face lit up.
I had recently decluttered an exercise band. A cool one with handles and everything. So recently that the Donate Box was still sitting in my master bedroom.
I dug, I found it, I ran back to the kitchen with the band held high, and I sang a dramatic Ta-Da!!!
There was (sadly) no audible applause, but I saw vague expressions of appreciation on my family members’ faces.
I had saved the day. I was the Exercise Band Hero.
I was so glad that I hadn’t actually, y’know . . . gotten rid of it.
I mean, can you even imagine if we didn’t have that exercise band sitting right there in that box? How in the world would we have made it through this crisis? This actual, literal, I’m-not-just-being-overdramatic-this-time crisis??
I lived a few days with the glow of being the Exercise Band Hero of our home. I’d walk past that Donate Box and remember the joy of digging and finding and presenting my treasure.
And then I walked through the garage and happened to notice this:
The handles.
Just the handles.
Completely separate from the actual band.
My husband was there, using the dumbbells he’d ordered and driven 45 minutes to pick up in a contact free zone.
I said, “What happened?”
He said, “Yeah, the handle broke. Actually, both handles broke. On the first rep.”
My Hero Glow evaporated.
My Exercise Equipment Provider Hero Glow, that is.
My Decluttering Adviser for the Internet Glow flared, though. And I knew I needed to write.
Because here’s the thing. Along with my Hero Glow, I’d been experiencing Decluttering Unease.
It wasn’t just the exercise bands. It was the overall feeling that maybe I shouldn’t have gotten rid of “stuff” over the past ten years of my deslobification process.
It was a nagging feeling that this current situation was going to reveal that I should have kept it. All of it. Just in case.
Because it felt like all of the worst case scenarios I’d fought so hard to rationalize away were happening.
I found myself feeling paralyzed at the thought of decluttering.
Should I really get rid of things right now? While I’m living in a time just like the “Well, I’d be glad I had that if we were desperate” times I’d imagined when I gathered it?
This struggle has always been an issue for me. It’s one of the reasons I had so much clutter and the reason why it was hard to get rid of clutter.
This struggle is why I had to develop non-emotional decluttering strategies that are based in realities instead of what ifs.
But the fact that the current reality is a What If Scenario come to life makes it hard.
So moments like these, with broken and useless treasures, are a gift.
Frustrating, but ultimately a gift.
There’s no better reality check to keep me decluttering.
I had that resistance band for years. I remember the garage sale where I bought it. That garage sale was in the town where we lived before we moved to this one.
When I was pregnant.
With my now-14-year-old daughter.
I’ve had that resistance band in my home(s) for more than fifteen years. I packed it up and moved it twice.
I have vague memories (vaguer than the memory of buying it) of using it twice. Maybe three times. At the most.
My clearest memory is of my own surprise at finding it when I was decluttering. Surprise, because I had no idea that I still had it.
I stuck it in the Donate Box because the answer to my second decluttering question (developed to help me avoid What If Rabbit Trails) was that if I did need exercise bands, I’d never have gone looking for this one because it would never occur to me that I had it.
I only looked for it in my Hero Moment because I had decluttered that space.
If I hadn’t decluttered that space, I wouldn’t have known it existed in my house.
We would have added “exercise bands” to the dumbbell order and picked them up on the same trip.
Meanwhile, my cluttered space would have stayed cluttered and remained frustrating and barely usable. Eventually, when I decluttered that space, I’d have felt irritation over having paid for resistance bands when I already had some cluttering up my house.
I’d have “wasted” money and “wasted” the space in my home.
If the Donate Box had already been gone, I would have remembered decluttering the resistance band, and felt irritated right then because I had to pay for something I had a few weeks ago. But for those few weeks and on into the future, my life is easier because of that decluttered, usable space.
Either way, we’d have survived without that exercise band.
The scenario that actually played out is the most frustrating of all.
I had one resistance band. For years. Sitting unused and making my life harder because I couldn’t use my space well.
I experienced a moment of triumph when I thought the band would save the day, but also a moment of intense frustration because the Day Saver turned out to be worthless. AFTER taking up space for fifteen years.
But because I thought it had saved the day, we didn’t order a resistance band when we ordered the dumbbells.
And now we can’t find any.
But I’m thankful.
This frustrating situation is a great reminder to me to declutter. Declutter anyway. Declutter the things that don’t have a space or a purpose in my home in whatever moment when I’m decluttering.
I’m glad I’ve decluttered so much over the years because:
Our home is so much easier to live in now because it isn’t overstuffed. Since we’re ALL in it almost ALL of the time these days, that’s a huge relief.
We can move around without bumping into things.
A five minute pickup by the whole family can get things pretty much under control because we (mostly) only have what has an actual place in our home.
I am 1207% more aware (estimated percentage, but feels right) of what we have in our home and where it is, which helps me. Knowing what we have and don’t have and where to find it helps ease my anxiety.
I lived for years with the frustration of knowing we had whatever-it-was but having no idea where to even start looking for it. I think that frustration would be amplified significantly by the current situation.
Are you struggling to declutter right now? How have your previous decluttering efforts made the craziness of life a little easier?
Edit: Just before I published this post, my husband informed me that he had finally (affiliate link coming up) found bands in stock and ordered them. I asked if he could pretend he didn’t because I really like the “And now we can’t find any” line in the post I was about to publish. I don’t think he thought I was serious. So I left the line and am adding this edit later.
--Nony
Decluttering is my stress/anxiety relief right now. It’s one thing I can control in this craziness. I have 2 year old (3 year old this week! How did that happen???) and decluttering her toys is the hardest thing for me. Some of them were given to us, some were bought for her, and some are mine that my mom saved for me to pass down. She’s normally pretty good about getting rid of things, but with all the changes to her routine, like daycare being different kids, teachers wearing masks, not being able to go to the grocery store with me, she’s clinging to anything she can. So I’m allowing it, if only to get her through these uncertain times.
I’m considered essential, so I go in to work every other day. The other days I work from home, and honestly, it’s been nice to be able to use my lunch break to declutter a closet, a drawer, throw a load of laundry in, or start the dishwasher. Using the habits I’ve read about here, it’s truly progress and I can make the most of those 30 minutes. When I do it. Because some days I just want to sit on the couch, eat, and watch daytime TV, and that’s ok too. Whatever helps us all get through this crisis.
Previous decluttering has helped as well, but we are almost to the stage where we need to start organizing. I know which drawer pens are in, and they are almost always there, but usually under everything else that lives in that drawer. So this weekend, we assessed the places that were driving us the most crazy, and planned out organizing strategies for them. One is the aforementioned pen drawer. $5 later, the drawer functions much better, we can find our pens easily, and the batteries and BBQ tools don’t hid them. (Also, we have a million 9V batteries. New, in the box. And most of them don’t work. I also learned our carbon monoxide detector sounds when the battery is low. Even if you just put a new one in.)
I can find the cleaners, the rags, etc. And when my daughter says she wants to do an activity, I know where all the pieces to an activity are. Or at least where to start looking. And it has helped ease my anxiety so much to know where most things are in our house. All thanks to your two (and only two) decluttering questions and her reality-based methods.
The basement and garage are still awful, but I’m slowly getting there. And I’m sure your methods will be invaluable in those spaces as well. Especially since we haven’t touched them, really, since we moved in….9 years ago. Wish me luck!
I have had a compulsion to save my kids favorite childhood toys, clothes, binkies, etc. I used to have about 4 huge tubs for each of my three older kids (I have been better with the youngest). I went through those tubs several years ago and reduced them to one large tub for each kid (they are in their 30’s).
As I read your blog, I realized something. When I was about 8 my mom pulled out a box of our memory stuff she had saved. She pulled out a ratty stuffed mouse and said, “Look, Suzy! It’s Bobby!” I had zero recollection of Bobby. Apparently I had dragged him everywhere as a toddler. Bobby meant nothing to me at all. He was disintegrating (they didn’t make stuffed animals out of quality materials in the 60’s) so we threw him away. No regrets! Now I need to pass my kids memory tubs to them so they can toss all this “precious “ junk I saved for them!
My personal favorite line is, “I had that resistance band in my home(s) for 15 years. I packed it up and moved it twice.”
lol, why don’t we GET IT?????
On a brighter note, I got a LOT accomplished last night, in my genealogy room (sorting through my mom’s photo and family history collection). I just kept taking very small piles, sorting the items, and putting them WHERE THEY BELONG, and also managed to complete the scanning of ONE pile of photos.
I also made some DECISIONS on how I want to go about the process. (In case you missed it in previous posts, I’ve become the family historian aka store-house of photos and genealogy projects, since my mom and dad passed away a few years ago. I’m still trying to organize everything.)
Anyway, my daughter was just in here with me doing lessons, and she looked up, rather thoughtfully, and said, “I feel… like it’s……cleaner….in …here….”
YES!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSS!!!!! WOOHOO!
I can relate (to your daughter) After decluttering a corner on my bedroom floor, messy for a while, my daughter looked and said “wow, a new floor!” She wasn’t sarcastic, she was little and wanted to express her joy. Can’t remember how old she was.
Love this story because I can relate so much.
I am a teacher, and you know, a teacher potentially can use EVERYTING.
But the point is: A lot of things become outdated or unusable when we keep them.
Like rubber that breaks – not only resistance bands, but also the elastic you might use once you break out that sewing machine (finally) might be useless when you finally find it again.
the dictionary will be outdated.
The school switched to a different textbook or a different edition of that textbook
The shoes will not fit anymore or not be back in style, and if that style ever comes back in fashion, you might hate it still because you know it will look terrible
The moths will go after that cashmere sweater
And so on.
That’s what I learned over time.
Hey Nony,
Well, I started one of your books a couple of years ago, when I only had 2 or 3 kids. Now I have 4. I’ve started reading another of your books (because the computer with the first is nearly dead and I’ll have to get my husband to recover it for me) to give me some oomf to my decluttering. I want you to know that my house is a mess. I hate when people come over and I honestly truly struggle with getting rid of things. They get sifted, boxed and then rescattered by my children before I can get rid of them. I feel tired and overwhelmed constantly. I can barely use my island and the kitchen table is almost always a mess. I’m sure that these things sound familiar to you. The one bright side is: my sink is almost empty because I do my dishes almost every night and try to keep up with putting things away or back in the dishwasher. (Thanks for that!)
But to answer your question, my previous decluttering efforts left me with deep regret. I got rid of a grapevine bowl that was given to my husband and I for a wedding gift…it left by accident and not on purpose. I don’t really miss it anymore, but it was just one regret among many. I’ve realized as I write this that none of those things matters now. I got rid of a doll shoe that I kind of wish I’d had the foresight to rescue because NOW my daughter plays with that doll. So many regrets. And my husband has been upset with my purging as well. But I want our home to be easy to maintain. I want it to be easy to clean up in a reasonable amount of time. I want to homeschool and raise these four children in a home that’s pleasant. So in the grand scheme of things….those regrets don’t matter. I should get rid of much much more. I’ll keep reading your book and hopefully I’ll be able to donate some stuff soon. Pretty sure the Goodwills and such are closed right now. =(
I love the way you bring reality into all of our “what if’s”.
I’m sending this post to my MIL who recently had a decluttering regret.
When they moved out of their home of 30+ years in August, she got rid of all her scrap fabric. *slap to the forehead* Now she needs scrap fabric to make masks for her and her at risk family members!
I said, “You shouldn’t feel regret for getting rid of the fabric because it was the right thing to do at the time.” It was one less thing that she had to box up, to find a place for in the new home and then ultimately remember where that place is months and months later.
Was it a bit harder to get fabric than if she had kept a stash? Sure. Was that hardship so difficult that it would be worth the above mentioned exercise of packing, placing and remembering? Nope. She has more than enough time on her hands right now to dedicate to finding fabric.
The most important part; the result is the same. She made the masks. She and her loved ones are covered.
I had fabric in boxes ready to go out the door when lockdown came. I had them sorted according to fibre content, so I had polyester for the outer water repellant layer, and polycotton for the filter layer and 100% cotton 1000 count sheeting for the layer next to the skin. My family say they are the most comfortable masks they have. I was glad that I had the fabrics when I needed them.
And now we have enough masks. I don’t need the rest of those fabrics, I can give them away to someone who will use them for kid’s craft projects.
I Can. Let. Go.
(which is not something I thought I would be able to say anytime about any fabric!)
Love this and sidebar: Your post made me wonder how many exercise bands we have. It’s a good thing you added the edit or you might have received an outpouring of your readership’s excess bands. 😂 We would happily declutter them to become heroes and help you!
I can relate to Suzy’s comment about saving things for her children who are now in their 30’s. I too save lots of memories for my kids. As I was trying to go through lots of boxes yesterday I realized that I may be saving all this stuff for me to go back and remember. Will our kids even want this stuff? Having gone through a farm house of memories from my husbands parents and someday my mother’s house (that she has been in for 67 years) makes me wonder why did they think that their kids would someday want all this clutter. Made me sad to think that but really they are busy making their own clutter for their kids someday. My real issue is trying to declutter paperwork. Whenever I toss stuff I feel that I will need it again someday. Then what??? I know I should learn to scan everything but for me it would really be lost because I’m not a computer person and it truly would be lost. I’m still regretting the Poodle skirt that I donated in 1967, really, really should have kept that. Not sure there is help for me but I’m trying.
I SO APPRECIATE THIS. Decluttering paralysis is real. And the fear of regrets only maximizes that. But as Tina and others pointed out, it all becomes worthless over time. No matter how special it seems, someday (sooner than you think) it will be worthless. As I read somewhere, it all ends up in a landfill eventually (or burned, etc).
To help me decide whether to declutter or keep, I try to imagine a professional helping me. How would I explain to her why I want to keep this? How would I justify all these boxes and tubs in storage?
One thing you’ve said, Dana, that has helped so much is, “Pick out your favorites. Put them in the container first. And when you run out of room, you’re done. The rest goes bye-bye.” And that is wonderful. Because you have saved the most special items. Even though they will not be special forever. 😏😍
My favorite line — “If I hadn’t decluttered that space, I wouldn’t have known it existed in my house.” THAT is me (just about) every time.
What helps me is to give myself grace, to say to myself, “Yup, it would be nice to still have it and it’s disappointing not to. You did the best you knew to do at the time.”
THEN I focus on all the wins:
I decluttered my tupperware-style containers a while back and it only took five-seconds to put away the leftover green beans from lunch today because the right size container was in a neat stack WITH A LID already on it!
My son made a mess and there was no longer the excuse that the vacuum was too hard to get out of the closet I decluttered last week.
Still, there is MUCH much work to be done. But these wins help me in those moments when “declutter regret” threatens to stop my “declutter momentum.”
Thank you for your honest and live-giving blog!
Loved this article. I’m going to share my story in hopes that it might help others avoid the mistake I made in holding on to too many belongings from a deceased loved one. My dad was a lifelong jeweler, a jewelry making instructor, and a hoarder of jewelry-making tools and equipment. Some of my fondest memories are of learning to make jewelry at his side from the time I was small. When I grew up, I ended up pursuing a different vocation and other hobbies, but I always had it in my mind that I would go back to making jewelry one day, not being able to admit to myself that I never really enjoyed the work itself all that much and actually found it quite frustrating. Fast forward a couple of decades… My father died when he was just 60 and I was in my 30’s. I couldn’t bear to part with his things, which occupied 1/3 of an entire floor of a downtown Memphis skyscraper. I rented a 52-foot trailer and filled it full to the top to move the best of his things across the state to where I live. That much stuff was already way more than I could handle, so I gave what was left — more than enough to fill another truck or two — to his apprentice. I was a single mom living in a small apartment at the time, so I rented an office space to store that truckload of things. There, I set up the equipment so I could start making jewelry again and possibly even manufacturing it (which is what a lot of that equipment was for), but I somehow never found the time or desire to actually do it. Then, less than a year later, I bought a house that had a three-car garage so I had an even bigger space to store Dad’s stuff and because the house payment was less than the combined apartment and office rent. I still had visions of finishing out part of the garage and setting up a manufacturing space in there, although, of course, I never quite managed to get around to it. Over the course of the 10 years following his death, with guilt constantly hanging over me about never using the equipment or making any jewelry, I slowly realized that I never was going to, and I was finally able to admit to myself that I didn’t really even want to all that much. I finally came to understand that what I had thought was a desire to make jewelry was actually more about me just wanting to hold on to the one thing my dad and I had ever really bonded over. Meanwhile, during that 10 years, the tools and equipment rusted and deteriorated because the office space had flooded and the garage was prone to flooding whenever it rained hard, and it was not as tightly sealed against the elements as I had thought. After lots of decluttering help from experts like Nony, I finally called an auction house to come take it all away. Sadly, a whole lot of it just had to be thrown away, as it was too rusted or rotted to be of any use or value. Still, though, getting rid of it and the sense of obligation it entailed was a HUGE burden lifted. That was six years ago. Ever since then, I’ve had deep regret that I didn’t let it all go much sooner. Given that my dad was a passionate jeweler and teacher, his memory would have been so much better served if I had donated those items to students who could have used them while they were still in good shape. On top of that, I think of all of the money I’ve spent on rent for the office space and for a more expensive house than I really needed, just to have a place to store a truckload of things for 10 years while they rotted and kept us from parking our cars or having storage space and ate away at my peace of mind. Lesson learned. I’m much happier now.
Thank you for sharing your story. When my mother passed away over a decade ago, I brought a LOT of her stuff home with me. I realize now that that was an effort to hold onto HER. It doesn’t work that way, and now I have all this STUFF that needs to go, when it could have been sold at auction and at least brought in a little money.
A few years ago I came upon a bag of items to be donated which I had tucked away when expecting overnight guests years before. I was thrilled to see a great pair of vintage pants which I had missed. That week I put them on and immediately saw the waistband problem which originally caused me to put the pants in the bag.
Now when I am tempted to have decluttering regret, I say aloud,”Remember the vintage pants!” I put those pants in the bag for a good reason. I have to trust the wisdom of my earlier self.
So relate to this as I declutter to prep for a move. The Hero glow and decluttering unease are both real! Thanks for sharing the story, Dana.
This is utterly brilliant! I read it a few days ago and keep thinking about it.
I have so much stuff which I’m afraid to part with, and so many regrets about things I’ve disposed of in the past. But why?
As a result my house is full of boxes and boxes of stuff which I never do anything with.
By expecting to have regrets, but recognising in advance that it’s a price worth paying in order to have a house that’s a pleasure to live in, I hope I can liberate myself to get rid of more, even though I expect to regret some of the disposal decisions.
Time will tell, but thank you!
This is the best. It was an absolutely perfect story and fit my situation exactly when I needed to hear it. I love the comments, too. One reader said to “trust the wisdom of your earlier self.” So True!! THAT’S why I got rid of those pants…..
I just checked the link for the bands and they are “currently unavailable”, so your dramatic line still fits! Lol
Yep. This is me. Right now. After beginning my declutter in September 2021 I am suddenly frozen again because of the stupid what-ifs. Of course, the what-ifs were still in place last year but my steam had not run out. There are still positives though. I’m still doing the dishes EVERY. DAY and keeping my sink empty. I’m sweeping every day and I’m still seeing that these small changes make a difference. And I’m NOT. GIVING. UP. It takes a bit more motivation to tackle something but I have determined that giving up isn’t an option. Especially when I look around and see the improvements already made, however small. Thank you, Dana for sharing your journey. It’s such a blessing to know I’m not alone!
This story hit home for me; I struggle with decluttering because I’m a crafter and find almost everything useful in creating. But I have discovered a thing or two in learning to declutter: a lot of what I like to save for crafting is easily acquired, so it’s not difficult to replace if I declutter it; there will ALWAYS be something I regret letting go; and there WILL be times when I discover something that I am glad to have kept. There will also be those “what was I thinking to keep that for all this time?” moments. Sometimes these discoveries propel me to declutter, and sometimes they don’t; but, especially with the state of the world now, it has become clear that we will survive if we don’t have extra towels, every color of curling ribbon, or a backup to the backup hand can opener. Ironically, it’s easier to let certain things go now (not sentimental clutter, though–that might be harder right now), even though things are useful and helpful and I’m glad to have them; but if I didn’t have them, I could probably make use of something I do have creatively. Our grandparents got by without a lot during the Great Depression by getting creative and focusing on what was truly important; I’m taking a page out of that playbook and not second-guessing everything I let go. I’m getting better at making the decision to declutter; if I’m unsure about something, it helps to make it a game: what would our grandparents do, or what’s the worst that could happen if I don’t have this and then “needed” it later? Maybe I’d have to shift my laundry schedule, tie up gifts with yarn, or buy canned goods that don’t need an opener; in any event, it’s not worth worrying about. Thanks for reminding me that regret happens, but it’s not a reason to stop decluttering.
Oh Kristin, your post could have been written by me, right down to “a backup to the backup hand can opener” which made me literally LOL. As a fellow crafter I’ve gone down so many of the same angst-filled paths you describe. But thanks to Dana’s truth and wisdom, I’m ever so slowly making my home more manageable. Your comment also helps verify that I’m not the only crazy crafter who saves weird things and then wonders why I ever did, etc. Thanks!
Thanks for sharing your story. I love your summary of this post: “Regret happens, but it’s not a reason to stop decluttering.” Hope you don’t mind if I adopt this…
Dana, so funny this post brought to mind several times I was looking for something and was sad because I must have donated it during a rage purge. Well a few days or a week later I locate the item and am relieved I didn’t donate that “special” item… Like, oh baby, you are not a crazy declutterer after all… Only to then stand there in amazement/ confusion when I realize that I managed without the item and didn’t think twice about it after that initial panic. Hmmm maybe decluttering this thing now is okay. I can live without it.
When this has happened (at least a few times) I see why I shouldn’t frett over an item. If it goes it goes. If I decide to keep it, I can always change my mind later. Life will go on whether I need it at a later date or not. Nothing is worth the headache if a cluttered space.
Thank you for walking us through all of this. It is a wonderful life lesson even if I had to learn it in my 50’s, but at least maybe my children will learn it before they become a cluttered mess!
Just happened to me this morning. Decided to declutter my clothes and got rid of a bunch of sweatshirts because i had cuter ones i would wear before i would wear these BUT as i was sitting at the bar yesterday and a lady walked in wearing a sweatshirt style i loved and happened to be the same one i was wearing only in a different color we started talking. I admitted to her i dont like just a plain sweatshirt to wear out and she said she doesnt either. To make a long story short she takes a plain sweatshirt and cuts off the collar and the hem and ends up with the sweatshirt we both had on!!!!!!! Arghhhh. I gave away some sweatshirts i paid alot of money for and regret it now. Oh well.
“I am 1207% more aware (estimated percentage, but feels right) of what we have in our home and where it is, which helps me. Knowing what we have and don’t have and where to find it helps ease my anxiety.”
I love this statement and I love you so much Dana! You know what eases my anxiety? Remembering that “better is good.” That will stay with me forever and I am eternally grateful you’ve given me that, among many other, gifts.
Last night I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown that in fact has absolutely nothing to do with decluttering. I am starting a recovery program for families of alcoholics and realizing how deeply disturbed I am in the head and was feeling very overwhelmed and hopeless, and then frustrated because I know God and love Jesus so I can’t in fact be hopeless, and then I became unrationally angry about THAT because I just wanted so badly to be hopeless, and THEN the thought occured to me that this is how messed up I am right now. Here I am, in my kitchen on a Thursday night, trying to get ready for bed, and realizing that I would rather be hopeless and angry than hopeful and at peace.
And then, a moment of clarity. I thought to myself “well at least I’m starting to realize… that’s better I guess.” And then a beautiful image of you, drilling into my head over and over on the probably hundreds of decluttering videos I watched that “BETTER IS GOOD. It’s an undeniable fact.”
So… thanks 🙂 for help with far more than just decluttering
Love this article, thank you Dana!