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I remember the look on his face.
His always-supportive, generally-understanding, unconditionally-loving face.
He was consciously, and with great effort, keeping the muscles from contorting into a look of disbelief. He was using every ounce of compassion to keep from glancing in the direction of the unfolded laundry.
Or the piled-high-with-clutter table.
Or the overflowing-with-dirty-dishes sink.
And I think he was trying not to laugh.
But he couldn’t keep his eyes from saying, “Really, honey? You’re kidding, right?”
Let me back up and explain what caused this temporary self-imposed facial paralysis. A moment before, I had expressed the frustration to my husband that I never had a moment to sit down. That I worked and worked and worked all day long, never taking a break.
Even still, as reinforced by the look in his eyes . . . I had almost nothing to show for it.
This moment happened years ago, but it is burned in my memory. I’d been staying home with kids for several years and was beginning to accept that my lifelong slob-problems were not automatically going away now that creating a home was my full-time job.
The reason I never felt I could sit down . . . was guilt. The guilt over the chaos in our home meant that I didn’t feel I could/should/deserved-to take a moment to relax.
Even to do a good thing.
Like make a fruit salad.
I love fruit salad. Not the marshmallow-and-coconut version, just sliced up fruits mixed together. I have no idea why it’s more delicious that way than just taking a bite out of three different fruits, but it is.
However, before I developed daily habits that kept my kitchen mostly-clean-most-of-the-time, I rarely made it . . . especially not just for myself.
I sometimes had the urge to make my mid-morning snack a healthy one, but it was too much hassle to find a clean cutting board, a clean knife, and a clean bowl. Too much work to wash the fruit in a sink that was full of dirty dishes.
And the guilt told me I couldn’t take the time to do something as unnecessary as making fruit look pretty and enticing when there were so many other, more important things to do.
Not that I actually did those more important things. I just grabbed a cookie and returned to my haphazard-housekeeping-ways.
Here’s my favorite thing about my daily checklist and weekly tasks: Freedom.
Freedom to pamper myself a little and put some effort into making my snack appealing. Freedom to take a 20 minute rest and read a book . . . on my made bed.
It’s not that I keep the house perfect now. It’s not that I get it clean by 9 a.m. (or ever) and then lounge for the rest of the day.
It’s that I have a plan. A plan that works for me and my unique brain.I know that the bathrooms will get cleaned on Tuesday. That all I have to do on Thursday is mop. That my family will have clean undies for church because I did the laundry on Monday.
And by having a plan (and actually following it), I can allow myself to relax, to enjoy something without wondering how in the world I’m going to get everything done.
It’s one of those unexpected benefits of this deslobification process.
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Hello again, the scottish girlie back again…
Have just caught up with your whole back catelogue and wow, that was fun. Felt rather abrupt to get to the bottom of this post and find no 'newer post' button.
Have to rush now but wanted to say thanks!
I have been there so many times – but even when I have done everything on my list I still can't take a break because I feel I should be doing more? More what? I have no idea… *sigh* But anyhow, lately I, too, have been playing catch up and, as a result of not getting my weekly meal plan and shopping done, this is what I had for lunch today: http://randerings.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-yes-i-am-in-training-diet.html
i’m still getting caught up with your posts and recognize that this is more than two years after the fact – but goodness, am i happy for you! being able to take a few guilt-free moments for one’s self is such a wonderful thing. good for you!
This post Madame me cry because it is so true and so close to home. Thank you for your inspialration and hope that you have given me.
Yes – I know the guilt feeling too well. Sometimes I rationalise taking a break, then feel guilty about it *sigh* But I’m working hard towards removing that guilt feeling from my psyche, because surely it cant help at all.
I’m really good at BREAKS. But the guilt remains as I’m looking at the clutter. And it hasn’t changed my reptile brain that hates to pick up.
This is slowly changing. I haven’t made it to any routines yet, as I’m still decluttering. But hauling away several boxes of recycling this week has me jump started to do more. Thank you for the motivation!