The absolute worst part of my messiness is its effect on my family. I know kids don’t care about things being perfect. I know that my kids are well-taken care of and healthy and loved-like-crazy.
But what if?
What if my kids had matching bedsheets on their beds?
What if they didn’t have to search through drawers, then the couch, then the dryer to find a clean pair of socks?
What if things didn’t start falling when they opened the craft closet?
What if toys with lots of little pieces weren’t considered “one time use” items that Mommy threw away after a week?
What if we could find things?
There are so many what ifs. So many.
I view my job as a mother as training them for life. And in many areas, I feel quite competent (most days). But I know that I’m passing down my clutter issues to them. What if I have a neat-freak whose natural organizational abilities may never be realized because of the futility in this home?
I have ruined more than one roomate. I saw it happen. They would start out saying that it was okay, they were neat enough for the two of us. But then they would give up. I did that to them.
This is hard to write, but in many ways I have ruined my husband. He was a bachelor for years before we married. Even though he was pretty typical for a guy, he kept things nice. Not pretty or perfect, but plenty nice enough for him to have someone over without completely freaking out.
He is wonderful. My husband does dishes. He’ll do a load of laundry. He keeps his sink way cleaner than I keep mine. But he’s a guy. He can’t compensate for my bad habits.
He loves it when the house is neater, but he’s never critical when it isn’t. I must say that he is the absolute best husband God could ever have provided for me.
In the past, when I have gone through a spurt of trying to keep things better, he’s seen me fail. Many times. So, he still hasn’t said much this time. But now I know he’s noticed.
Last night, he made his eggs (his nightly ritual to prepare for the morning) and then he immediately rinsed his skillet and put it in the dishwasher. The counter looked like he hadn’t cooked anything and I had to peek into the fridge to see if he had. This is huge. In other spurts of neatness, I have whined for him to PLEASE just put things straight into the dishwasher instead of in the sink. But he had developed the habit of throwing it in the sink because he never knew if the dishwasher was clean or dirty and there were so many dishes in the sink and on the counter that it was pointless to try to wash his one.
I’m hoping that the damage I’ve done over the last ten years is reversible. And I’m praying that I still have time to help my kids learn the things they need so they won’t have to suffer like I have.
I so know what you mean. My girls are still little but I can see my messiness has already wore off on my 2 year old. She is so bad about picking up toys and just throws them everywhere. I feel like I really need to teaching her to put things away but I am not a good example.
I also rubbed off on my husband, we will have dishes piled in the sink and on the counters because the dishwasher is full with clean dishes I never put away.
You really have been such a motivation to me, I thought about your blog when I was doing laundry today, which is my MAJOR downfall. I will let laundry pile up until we seriously have not one piece of clean clothing to wear.
Keep up the good work!
i am so glad I found your blog. Everything you say I feel like you are recording MY thoughts. You are a huge motivation for me and I am very thankful you are so honest with us! You are changing not only your life but others as well. THANK YOU!
Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm humbled.
Okay fine, now you’re making me go empty my dishwasher. We are almost a 2-load a day family, so I’m not sure how to make it always “dirty/empty”…maybe if I make sure it is emptied and reloaded after dinner, and then emptied in the morning…yep, that might work.
But I’ll bet my hubby would re-remember how to put dishes straight into the dishwasher too! His mother made him do that of course.
Wow! This pretty much sums up my life and my feelings about my home. I just found your blog and am loving reading starting from the beginning:-) It is good to hear from someone else that other slobs do exist. I’m not alone. I have a lot of guilt in these same areas, but like you, my husband is wonderful. God knew when he put us together that my man is the only one who could put up with me!
I’ve just started reading through your blog, and am so thankful to find someone else who’s brain works like mine!
Don’t worry about messing up your kids–their characters will shine through regardless of what you do. How do I know this? I knew I was in trouble when my first sweet baby, just a year old, began sorting the pile of shoes to tidy up our entryway. I’ve embarassingly watched her whiz through our bedroom to clean it up (the image of me standing there while the Tazmanian devil whirled around me comes to mind), organize our bookshelves, and then give up on our home when she realized how difficult it was to keep in order (but her room remains tidy). Not surprisingly, she plans to major in Interior Design in the fall…How I managed to birth a born-organizer is beyond me, but it happened (and she was born at home, so no chance of having brought the wrong baby home!).
Thanks for all that you’ve shared on this blog!
I’ve been reading this blog for awhile, but have finally gotten around to start reading from the beginning. It has been the most amazing thing because somewhere inside I think I believed I was the only one! I know people who say they’re slobs, but I would LOVE for my house to look like theirs do! Sometimes I wanted to say “let me show you how a slob’s house looks” but I’ve always been too afraid of the looks…
My hubby and I have been married 9 years. After a divorce and several years as a single mom & slob, I never expected to find someone who wouldn’t run away – much less stick around and marry me! 😉 He is amazingly supportive, and seems to believe I’m going to succeed every time I try again. He has never blamed me for the condition of the house – he always says he could do something about it. He does try – but it’s really hard to work around me when I have piles everywhere and don’t even notice that I’m climbing over them… Have started with a couple of small daily tasks that are becoming habits and am getting ready to start adding more. Many thanks to you for the inspiration, Nony.
As far as the kids go, it really does depend on their personalities. My mother is a “normal” person who raised 2 slobs. My 17-year-old son has the neatest room in the house and would be more than happy to do whatever he can to help me – if only he knew what to do with any of my stuff… So I believe once he’s on his own his natural organizational tendencies will really shine – just as my natural slob tendencies shine despite my upbringing! 🙂
God has completely brought your blog to me, I have 5 other open tabs on my browser and Im not sure how I got here, but I know it was Gods little way of saying “here you are not alone, there are other women like you and its okay; but you are supposed to be the keeper of the house and you arent doing such a great job” What you wrote in this post was head on!!! I swear I could have written it, down to the “10 years” you mentioned being married… Thank you so much for this and I hope I can start my “deslobification” in the morning BEFORE my kids wake up… Im definitly a night owl but I do know that when I get up earlier I not only get more things done, I enjoy my day better, and dont feel as rushed to hurry and do at least one thing before my husband gets home and maybe. just maybe he wont say anything about it (he never really does but I can tell it annoys him to come home to a messy house) Again THANK YOU so much for being brutally honest even down to the pictures… Just to be able to see someone elses table look like mine feels like a weight has been lifted to know that I am not alone in this!
Seconded (over a year later)! This is exactly how I feel about my kids (less so about my husband, who kind of ruined me rather than the other way around, ha).
AMEN! AMEN! I love this blog and I love reading all the comments of all the other slobs out there. I don’t feel so alone anymore. I’ve actually sat here laughing myself to tears and then weeping as I identify with each and every mess, feeling, and new effort. Nony’s VLOG about decluttering the silverware drawer reduced me to tears! TEARS! I don’t think I’d ever realized how guilty and ashamed I felt about my messiness. THANK YOU!
Ok, I’ve commented on a few (recent) posts of yours. I love your blog. I get you. Your struggle is my struggle.
And this post made me ugly cry. My worst fear in all of my messiness and shame is that I will ruin my children. My MIL already ruined my
Husband, so who knows if he can be rehabbed, but I REFUSE to be responsible for the undoing of my children’s potential.
In the short time I’ve been reading your blog you’ve given me commiseration, understanding, laughter, tears, and hope. Most importantly hope. Thank you!
I just recently found your blog and am reading it from the start as you suggested on the get started page. All of these posts have hit home with me (we might as well be the same person!!!!!) but this one actually brought tears to my eyes because my husband is the same way too. He does so much more than his fair share and I have done so little. And my kids are suffering too because of my slobbiness. Thank you so much for your honesty here. I realize now what is at stake if I don’t smarten up!
I’m so glad you found my blog! Welcome!
Oh, this is *me* – you’re talking right here to me, aren’t you? The clutter in our house can be overwhelming. I work full-time, as does my husband, and we’re lucky enough to have a cleaning service come twice a month. The night before is a frantic dash of shoving things in closets and drawers so it is worth having someone come to clean. I’m freaked out that my kids a) think that elves and fairies clean, because they’re at school when the service comes, so they don’t see any of it; and b) will forever be leaving gogurt wrappers and popsicle sticks on their grown-up workspaces (er, make that latte cups and energy bar wrappers?) because no one ever taught them to tidy up. And that part about single-use toys? Totally hits home …
Thank you so much for this blog. I’m reading from the beginning, and I’m really getting a lot of ideas.
Welcome, Abby!!
Just found your blog via a facebook suggestion. I think that says something about me if facebook knows I need your blog.
Anyway, I’m reading through and this is so me. Unfortunately my husband is also a bit of a slob but I have had the “please put your dishes into the dishwasher” conversation many times and the response of “I didn’t know the dishes in it were dirty” is hte norm. Hopefully I can get motivated empty it every morning so that isn’t a question. I’ve done flylady many times and always overwhelm myself. I like that you started smaller than swish and swipe. I always hated swish and swipe.
I’m literally LOL-ing at “What if they didn’t have to search through drawers, then the couch, then the dryer to find a clean pair of socks?” It’s SO me! In fact, everything I’ve read is EXACTLY my household, right down to being a germ-a-phobic slob…I knew exactly what you meant! I’m lazy , I procrastinate, and seriously lack discipline, but after reading your blog…THERE IS HOPE! Thank you for your blog, but mostly for your honesty!
Wow! This post is so relatable! I was just wondering since you are further on your journey than I am if you have seen the damage reversed and your husband falling into his old clean ways or if your old habits have become his habits and he has to learn with you? I feel like I have “ruined” my husband that kept his space very clean before we married. Even still his closet is very tidy and his car spotless compared to mine which are disaster zones! But in our shared areas, he is more careless on tidying behind himself as I guess he sees it as pointless.
Here’s a post on that subject. Hope it helps! https://www.aslobcomesclean.com/2012/12/hubby-did-the-laundry/
Hi! I just started reading your blog this week and this is the post that just smacked me upside the head. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to take dishes out of a clean sink and put them in the dirty dishwasher when I am on a streak and trying to get it together….only to lose it after a day or two and have dirty dishes piled up everywhere. It’s a discussion I had with my husband just tonight in fact, as I am on day 1 of the 28 days (no lie I ran and emptied that dishwasher 4 times before the final load went in tonight). He has heard it so many times only to see it fall back apart no wonder he has the same bad habits. Unfortunately he is also a slob and comes from a family of slobs…I am a slob who comes from an overly clean home…rebellious I guess :). We have 3 slobs in the making but after finding you I now have hope we can get this under control and my kids can have friends over without me going into a panic! Thank you! Let the deslobification begin!
Love it! Welcome, and thanks for commenting!!
I was been slowly working through your blog posts from the beginning. I thank you for your honesty!
I wanted to tell you that my mother was a clean freak. She now cleans houses for a living. It didn’t rub off on me. She was probably too extreme when it came to cleaning! I got to the point that I thought that if I didn’t clean perfectly, then there was no point cleaning at all.
We’ve got to find that middle ground. I know you have some things posted about having the kids help with the cleaning. I can’t wait until I get there.
Thanks again!
That is 100% me, Amy!
An editor for a home decor magazine contacted my parents to use their house in a shoot. Seriously. The only thing my house could be used for is an article on hoarding.
I just found this blog and this entry has me in tears. The what ifs hit home like crazy. My kids always have clean clothes, but finding them is like a not-very-fun scavenger hunt every morning. That is the first thing I want to change.
Thank you so, so much for this blog, Dana.
So, I have been following your FB page for a little while but never really read your site before tonight. I came across your FB post “Let’s Get This Clear Before I Take It” tonight and clicked to read/watch it, which then led me to your Get Started tab. Next thing I knew, I was reading your blog backwards and couldn’t leave this specific post without commenting. I was laughing and omg-ing at everything you wrote here in this post. THIS IS ME! THIS IS MY FAMILY!
My hubs was the same as yours about keeping things neat before meeting me and we were 16 when we started dating! (I cracked up at the part about you peeking in the fridge to see if he did cook because this has happened to us when I was doing FlyLady!) His home growing up had a place for everything and everything in its place. Not me. My home growing up wasn’t horrible but it was ‘lived in’ and clean enough to not be embarrassed (unless you went into the bedrooms) like our home is now. We homeschool our 3 kids, so there is usually 4 of us home ALL day. Do you know how messy a house gets and STAYS when there is never a break?? You clean it and then 5 minutes later you would never know! Hubs makes me laugh when he says, “You have all week before so-and-so comes over to get the house clean!” Really, buddy? Really?
I’ve tried FlyLady – MANY times – and got lazy. I’ll admit it, I’m lazy. Yes, I work at home and homeschool my kids but there is time to do a few minutes here and there throughout the day to keep on top of stuff. I was doing great for over 2 weeks and then something happened and I wasn’t able to one day and everything fell back to what it was before. I thought it was a lost cause keeping up with the everything and just gave up.
I plan to continue reading your journey and use it as my motivation everyday. As for now, I need to pry myself away since it is nearly 1 am. THANK YOU for keeping it real!
Welcome! And thanks for your comment!!!
What a heartfelt post!
Your blog has been such an inspiration to me. I am starting to work on building good habits, and removing my old ones. I only wish I would’ve started sooner!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us all! 🙂
OK, I’m gonna post my comment here. Because by sharing your journey with us random Internet denizens… you’re also helping us fellow slobs, who never learned how to be tidy, to learn and grow. I think that’s worth something, even if we aren’t roommates or relatives. 😉
Mess is one of the manifest reasons my parents separated (because obviously the real reasons for these things tend to be deeper… habits and actions are just the things we can point to and say “this! This is why!”). Isn’t that tragic?
You are looking to be one of the two most helpful individuals I’ve found in my goal of never being more attached to my junk than to my family. :’-( So thank you for that, and please take a moment to feel the weight of what that means to this young lady.
I never learned how to organize, clean, declutter… on the contrary, I learned how not to see it, how not to interact with it, how to work around it, how to release responsibility from it. While these are handy survival skills when living with fellow slobs, they pretty much guaranteed I, too, was a slob! Worse, to the point that something like “I will put away my clean laundry piles” would leave me paralyzed and on the verge of tears, aborting the idea out of anxiety and trying for an hour just to work up the nerve to START- even though I knew how, I knew what I wanted to do and how to get there!
Mostly my only way to deal with clutter has been to be paranoid about ever letting stuff into the space- my college apartment and my car I successfully kept pretty tidy because nothing was allowed to be out of place when I left them. Otherwise, I feared I would never be able to re-attain Clean. So while it’s nice to have a method that works for something like a car that didn’t have homeless belongings to start with… unfortunately this method is helpless against my bedroom.
In trying to be a grown-up and have a Basically Clean Living Space, I’ve already discovered some of your tips- the power of decluttering momentum and cleaning as a habit (“if I clean the sink regularly, it is actually fast and easy, and not a disaster if I have to miss or speedrun one cycle! Wow!”). But your container tip (don’t get enough containers for your stuff… get rid of the stuff until it fits your containers) and your mess-free decluttering are a couple of inspiring ones I’m looking forward to implementing! (Mid-decluttering mess is the biggest teary-anxiety-paralysis trigger for me. So much of my procrastinating cleaning is due to the mid-decluttering mess: “cool, I just took my space from ‘messy’ to ‘literally nonfunctional!'” Better to just live with messy, then, right?!)
So… just trying for your family is a good place to be. And by sharing it, you’re able to help us strangers, too, who might not have had even that much. I am so happy to have found you now, as a young adult just starting to build my own life habits and all, versus 10 years down the road or whatever when Slob Habits might be that much more baked in (and piled up!). So thank you.
Reading through your blog today has inspired me to tackle at least one Floor Pile tonight, despite all my handy excuses, so thank you for that, too! God bless!