I’ll start by explaining why I don’t use emotions as part of my decluttering process. I can’t use emotions to declutter because I’m emotional.
I’d keep everything.
Every baby sock, every book, every bottle of expired pain reliever.
No matter if the baby sock was already too small when my bigfoot kid came out of the womb. That’s exactly what makes it a memory. Remember how we laughed when it didn’t fit? That was a lovely moment.
The sock makes me feel nostalgic.
No matter if I didn’t finish the book because I didn’t even like it. The person who wrote it, whomever he/she is and wherever he/she lives, is a real person. With a mama. A mama who was ridiculously proud of him/her for writing a book. I was excited at the thought of reading that book before I actually read it and I’m not excited about the one-in-a-million risk that the author’s mama would find it in the bargain bin at her local thrift store.
The book (or the thought of purging it) makes me feel guilty.
No matter if the pain reliever sat unused until it expired because it didn’t actually work on my headaches. If I was ever out of the stuff that does work (which could happen since we use it), I’d be thrilled to have something to try in the middle of the night if I needed it. Just in case it might work this time.
The pain reliever makes me feel safe.
I’m being ridiculous, but I’m not.
When I base my decluttering decisions on wanting something or something’s usefulness or its inherent worthiness of being in my home, or even whether it makes me feel a certain way, I open the door to analysis.
I love to analyze.
Pro/con lists and predictions of future scenarios is right up my creative-brain’s alley.
I love dealing in the hypothetical world.
But while there’s a time and place for hypothesizing and feeling, I personally can’t use those tools while decluttering.
I have to get things done. When I started my deslobification process, I couldn’t take the time to feel and think deeply because there was simply too much stuff to feel and think deeply about and feeling and thinking deeply meant I made little progress.
And honestly, feeling and thinking deeply was what got me into the mess.
So how do I declutter without emotions?
I ask fact-based questions. They don’t let me start any answers with a deep breath and a “Wellllll . . . “
They’re questions that have an answer. One answer. No multiple choice possibilities.
They don’t even allow for any follow up “What if?” questions.
My first question is: If I needed this item, where would I look for it first?
There’s only one answer to that question. Even if I have to rack my brain to think of where I’d look first, the first place I come up with is the answer to the question.
This depends heavily on instinct, but not on emotion.
If I can’t answer that first question, I ask my second question: If I needed this item, would it ever occur to me that I already had one?
While there can be some angst caused by my desire to answer this question with a lie, the actual answer is either yes or no.
No “no, but”s or “what ifs” needed, the answer is yes or no.
Yes. Or no.
Nothing to analyze.
But what about when I just can’t let go? Or what if I had a first place I’d look for more things than can fit in my house?
I have a non-emotional strategy for that, too.
I can keep anything I want to keep. I just can’t keep everything.
Does it fit?
Again, this is a question that doesn’t allow for analysis. It either fits or it doesn’t.
But it does allow for choice. As long as I have space for something (real space, not shoved in where I can’t actually see or get to it easily), I can keep it.
Somehow, this yes or no way of deciding if something gets to stay in my home frees me from using my emotions to decide if it can stay. I’m not evaluating the item. I’m not assessing its value.
I’m letting the amount of space I have available make the decision for me.
So if I have three dishtowels, but only drawer space for two, I don’t ask which ones I like better. I don’t worry about which make me happy. I just pick the two that deserve drawer space.
The two that deserve drawer space are generally the ones I like better and that make me happy. But happiness and preferences can put me down the path of pro-con lists, self-analysis and self-doubt.
Letting the size of the drawer determine how many I can keep and simply choosing my favorites lets me act on instinct instead of analysis.
Which do I like? ALL of them!!!
Which do I like best? Well, that one.
It’s not that I don’t feel emotions when I declutter. I totally feel them. I just can’t use them to make my decisions. I need non-emotional strategies for that.
Do you have my book, Decluttering at the Speed of Life? There are tons of posts and podcasts about decluttering here on the site, but in the book I lay out my process and apply it to the rooms in your home and the relationships in your life.
No disrespect intended towards Marie Kondo (because she’s pretty damn awesome) but using emotion to declutter doesn’t make sense to me either.
I’m the opposite of you, Dana. I don’t really get emotionally attached to things. So asking myself if an item sparks joy doesn’t work. With me, it’s more of the Project Runway approach – it’s in or it’s out.
I love how your methods are the total opposite of Marie Kondo’s (who seems to be all the rage, nowadays). It just goes to show how people can have different ways of achieving the same result – a home that works for them.
You are soooo right, Monica! I just discovered this blog. I am going to look for the book today!
Yes. That.
We are getting ready to move after 15 years. I got your book several months ago but need to dig it back out as I’m getting ready to pack!
The container concept works better for me than the Marie Kondo “keep only what brings you joy” method. If I kept only things that bring me joy, I would only keep sparkly evening wear and memorabilia.
Though i think life would be more fun if we all wore sparkly evening wear more often!
LOL!
it’s funny, because I have been using your methods for years, but I have never been that emotional about “stuff”, and using your methods have made me detach myself from “stuff” even more. so the currently popular trend of keeping what “sparks joy” made sense to me and I never even thought of it as different than what you do.
I love this post as your thinking patterns are SO ME! I can laugh and not feel alone. And see ways out of it. The container concept has been life changing for me. I’ve read both your books and loved them. 🙂
Yes! Thank you!!! For those of us who keep clutter, it’s often because we overthink, or it brings joy when it’s okay to let go.
I did read your book ~ and recommended it to a friend who was wanting to declutter:-)
I too have to remove emotions. And if there is an item I’m really struggling with, I eat dinner with it. It sits at my place on the dinner table. With very difficult items, it might take about 3 nights. Usually by that point it has bugged me enough to make the keep it or it can go decision. (Thought you might get a chuckle out of that silly method, but it works for me.)
Dana, your books and your posts spark joy! So much common sense which has previously eluded me when thinking about my stuff. Thank you.
I’m emotional too. When I pulled out my yearbooks, last year, I loved them all! So I decided to read them. It didn’t take long for me to realize I didn’t remember 85% of those people, and will never connect with them again. The people I do remem, I’ve already been in contact with. So I tore out the few pages, and trashed them with no regrets. Thanks for your ebooks, and your paper books! I loved them all!
Yes. this. whole. thing. This is how my brain works, but I didn’t see these as emotional decisions-definitely need less of that. I admit that I didn’t really ‘get’ your decluttering questions for awhile…but now I do and they totally work. We needed umbrellas for a family trip last weekend. CA-so who knows when the last time was that we used them. Are they in the car, and which one? I went to the closet where they ‘should’ be bc that is where I would look first and they were all there (Whew!)! So, I am a believer that the questions really do work. I have worked my way through ALL of your podcasts and am almost caught up-so encouraging and yes, it is the ‘container concept’ all the way. No more buying more bookshelves bc mine are full. Thanks for sharing your experiences and what really works.
Being an emotional keeper of stuff & clutter, this post totally speaks to me! When friends come to help me declutter, they usually have No Clue to my way of thinking. Thank you for being a kindred spirit. 💕
This week I’ve made a very emotional decision to let go of my mother’s sewing machine. Mother died in 1966; the machine was at my sister’s house until 2006 when she died; the machine then came to my big sunroom closet. It needs repairs and service, and I’m not willing to pay to have that done. I finally said to myself, “I have never use it, and in fact, I never have! It’s time to let it go.” I have a friend who collects old machines, and I’m giving it to him. I’ll be glad when it’s out of my house.
I’ve been reading your blogs and listening to your podcasts for a few weeks, and you wouldn’t believe how that has helped me as I have gone through closets, getting of lots of “stuff” I haven’t used, nor would I. Thanks for making it easier for me to let go!
I like your questions. I find myself doubting my decisions when I declutter, but just try not to care too much. I know whatever choice I make, it will all be OK. I’m happier with a simpler house now, than choosing things that bring me joy. Because having lots of things brought me joy too. So, I’d just make a huge pile of things that bring me joy. And get nothing done.
Love this – so helpful 💚
Thank you. I am so similar. Each item of mine has a story, and I know the story of every item I own. Each story makes me smile, the spark joy, the joy of memory. It is so hard for me to pare down what I own because of that. In some categories I can use the “spark joy” idea of Marie Kondo, but in many others your strategy will be so useful. Thank you for laying out your steps in your thought process.
This is almost exactly how I think. Loved the ‘small baby sock’ story. The memory DOES make it special.
Oh my gravy! I just folded every dishcloth I own and thought about how I should declutter them. I put my favorites in one pile and the non-favorites in another pile. The non-favorites now reside in the garage as rags and my favorites are in my kitchen where they belong. Baby steps!!!
I bought Decluttering at the Speed of Life Yesterday on audible and quickly realized I had better start with How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind. I am so glad I found you! Your humor makes this bearable and I thank you for that 😊. I tried the MK method the day it came out on audible. Unfortunately, I chose that task while working 2 jobs, doing an internship, and finishing grad school. I was so excited to get all my clothes together and I piled a mountain on my bedroom floor (seriously, it was over 3-1/2 feet high in an 8×10 area) anyway, I pulled them from everywhere – closets, drawers, garage, storage…and I looked at them…for 4 months…empty closets and a mountain of crap! Until one day my parents decide to visit, so I shoved it all back in the closets – forcefully. I did the visual method yesterday while listening to your book and my space “looks” fabulous! I have more motivation to open those closets!
I think that’s really great advice, Dana. I regularly have to make sure that I’m not letting emotions cloud my judgement. Not just with decluttering but with nearly everything.
Dana, you and I are cut from the same cloth.
1) I saved 90 percent of my (only-child) son’s things
{V-E-R-Y RED FACE – I even saved the last diaper he ever wore until he was about to graduate from college! Quadruple-bagged and sealed, but still THAT is how emotional and sentimental I am}
2) Dear Hubby has always accused me of over-analyzing everything
Thank you for letting me know I am not totally psycho.
I CAN get rid of things. Just in my own time when I am ready.
Peace, Love, Blessings, Health and Happiness
to everyone and their families.
`WhatMess?—I really loved what you wrote, and it made me laugh! Especially at myself! I ALMOST did the same thing you did, with the clothes! But I was SAVED when I know it was Divine Intervention that brought Dana my way via a video someone did about DeCl without making a mess!
4 months? Not bad! My stuff would have prob stayed there for YEARS! (I DO hope that s my feeble attempt at a joke, but it might really be closer to reality!)
Keep on with No-Dana! You and I CAN CAN CAN do well with this!
True fact that I worry an author is going to find a book personally signed to me in a thrift store and be REALLY pissed. But while it was exciting to meet an author and talk to them, the book is a TOKEN of this experience, not the actual experience. Still hard for me. Sigh. I should probably take the title page with the autograph out and donate the book. I do have a small file of autographed papers I can put it in. (I’ll go through my file cabinet memorabilia some other time, right now it’s put away and pretty.)
One of your best posts Dana.
Love the book and your methodology…
I needed to read your words and understand the container method.
Applying that gave me the momentum I needed to tackle the hard stuff. Over the last year the hard stuff has been slowly leaving my home guilt free. A year (as well as the first year just learning and decluttering) is a long time, but I am pleased with the progress.
I know there are areas left to redo and I now have the confidence to tackle the remaining clutter, albeit slowly to keep my sanity.
Love your honesty, keep up the good work.
Love the new website photo of you!
I too read Marie Kondos book and almost went down the rabbit hole with my clothes…Still struggling with those. Reading her book led me to you Dana and … I am so Thankful for you!!! I have read both of your books and have been applying them. Very slow turtle style. Please keep on with your podcasts they are inspiring lifelines!!
I do the same thing with medicines. That one doesn’t work. Or that one makes me sick. But what if all the stores were out of what i usually get. Wouldn’ti be happy to have that one? I’ve got to get over this way of thinking. Maybe because i have so many chronic illnesses, I’m worried about being without.