This is going to seem like a stretch for a moment, but I promise to give you a surefire way to stop shopping, even if it’s a habit, when you’re ready to declutter because all the stuff in your home overwhelms you.
To get there, though, I need to talk about soy sauce.
As a young child, I loved soy sauce. I wanted to eat soy sauce on everything. It was a battle that wearied my mother.
But one day, suddenly, I stopped eating soy sauce and didn’t touch it again for years.
What caused this sudden and easy change at the age of five? How did I go from loving something one day to being completely grossed out by it the next day?
Harold Taft had open heart surgery.
Huh?
If you lived in the Dallas area in the 70s and 80s, you might know the beloved (at least by my parents) weatherman from channel 5.
I walked into the living room during the noon news one day and the grossest thing I’d ever seen in my entire (short) life was on the TV screen. An actual heart. Beating.
Harold Taft was having open heart surgery, and they were showing the actual surgery on TV. The actual, camera-pointed-at-his-open-chest surgery.
So . . . completely . . . disgusting. I’m sure another kid across town saw the same thing and decided to become a doctor. I did not.
I expressed my horror and my mother explained what was happening.
“But whyyyyyyy??? Why did he have to have this surgery??!?” – 5 year old Dana
“Well, he ate things he shouldn’t have eaten and didn’t exercise like he should.” – Dana’s mother (Sorry, Harold, for my mother throwing you right under the bus.)
“Like, what??!? What did he eat??” – panicked Dana
And this is the part I can see so clearly in my memory. A lightbulb went off in my mother’s head. This was her chance. She gave me the side eye and remarked too casually, “Oh . . . I don’t know. Probably . . . too much soy sauce.
I was done. I didn’t eat soy sauce again until I was in college. I couldn’t stand the smell of it or the idea of it and never again craved its salty goodness.
In that opportunistic-for-my-mother moment, I broke a habit. I abruptly eliminated a craving.
I’ve often wished it were always that easy to break habits.
Like shopping. A big part of shifting the tide of clutter in my home was putting a stop to my excessive shopping.
I loved a bargain. Especially a pennies-on-the-dollar bargain from a garage sale. Loading my car (and my garage and my closets) with bargains is a big part of what got me into the mess that led me to start an anonymous slob blog back in ’09.
People who don’t love to bargain shop don’t realize that bringing stuff home can be a habit, but people who do love to shop know how difficult changing this way of life can be. I can abandon a good habit without even noticing, but a bad habit will wrestle me to the ground to stick around.
So how did I stop the shopping habit?
I started decluttering.
I can’t recreate the instantaneous aversion brought about by my mother’s anti-soy-sauce campaign, but I told that story because, over time, creating an aversion to clutter is what broke my shopping habit.
The urge doesn’t exist. The urges might as well have been surgically removed from my psyche.
I’m telling you, this works.
Grab a black trash bag and start throwing away trash. Grab a donatable Donate Box and get rid of the most obvious things in the most obvious places, on the tops of the most obvious piles.
This isn’t fun. But the unfun action of decluttering did several things for me.
My house looked better and functioned better. A room with less stuff in it looks cleaner and neater and more inviting than one with more stuff in it. As I started to experience my house looking cleaner and neater and more inviting, I was motivated to keep decluttering. Continually decluttering meant that my quest for less stuff was on my mind all the time.
I started to appreciate open space. When my house was packed full of stuff, I almost never had open space.
Because I hadn’t experienced empty spaces in my home, I didn’t know how much I liked them. I didn’t know how much I’d appreciate not bumping into things in the middle of the night or how nice it would feel to not have to rearrange the entire room or shift piles of clutter from one side of the room to the other when spilled coffee spread under the couch.
New stuff coming in was a threat to the open space I liked. And that made me not want the new stuff.
I experienced the pain of purging things I once enjoyed purchasing.
This is the most important one.
Giving away something I paid good money for was difficult. Really difficult.
Realizing I had a stash of perfectly good backpacks right after I purchased new backpacks because I had no idea the perfectly good ones were in the back of the closet . . . was painful.
This pain is good.
The pain, regret, and honestly . . . the self-loathing I experienced when getting rid of things imprinted itself on my brain.
And when I walked through a store or a garage sale and saw a bin full of perfectly good backpacks, that brain tattoo flares right up.
The memory of the pain of decluttering often triggers an actual physical response.
I find I have an aversion to things that I know (from the experience of decluttering other things) will most likely turn into clutter. Bargains don’t look the same to me anymore.
In the same way that food poisoning can turn you against what was once your favorite food, the completely unfun task of decluttering will change how you see the sparkling treasures on well-lit shelves.
If you’re trying to break your shopping habit and want to make a deal with a friend who you can text in a moment of weakness, make the deal. If you want to cut up your credit cards, go for it. If you want to snap your wrist with a rubber band every time you find yourself walking toward the clearance section, snap away.
But nothing will change your desire to shop like decluttering. Nothing will create an aversion to new stuff like decluttering. Actual decluttering. Purging and pulling and boxing up and giving away the stuff you bought in the past.
I’m telling you, it works.
If you’re thinking “Yeah, but how do I even start decluttering?? I’m so overwhelmed!!” I understand. I have lots of resources for you. I highly recommend you start with my book, Decluttering at the Speed of Life, which is available wherever books are sold in any format you prefer. I cover it all, from every angle, in that book. (Paperback, digital, or audio)
If you need succinct, quick-to-read strategies all in one place, you need my newest book which comes out on January 11, 2022. If you order it before its release date, you can fill out the form here and get a free downloadable, printable Decluttering Flow Chart which will help you make non-emotion-based decisions about any item in your house.
There are many, many other resources here on the site as well. Podcasts, blog posts, videos, and more. Read all about those here.
Please note: I’m not anti-soy-sauce. This isn’t a post against it. I eat it now, though it doesn’t hold the same magic for me that it did back in the late 70s. I also am now a mother with a child whose excessive love of soy sauce is total payback for what I did to my own mother.
Also please note: I’m very thankful for my mother’s willingness to be discussed on the internet. She’s written a new children’s book which you should totally check out through my affiliate link here.
So funny. Read this aloud to my kids who were curious why I busted out laughing. Pretty timely, considering we just bagged up all the excess clutter from the girls’ room and it is spotless for maybe the first time in five years. Thank you, thank you for following the prompting to share your journey.
I am so glad I was not the only one sitting alone in my living room laughing like a maniac over this one.
I love that your mother is an author too!! I didn’t know that. And thank you for your honest and realistic help – it is literally changing my life!! Dishwasher and sweeping daily are quickly becoming habits. My husband jumped on board so fast – without prompting! Thank you!
We were just talking aboutthumb-sucking at the family Christmas dinner, and I remembered how I was told that the Easter Bunny wouldn’t come unless I stopped sucking my thumb. Although I maybe scarred for life (I still remember) — itworked!
Hi Dana,
I have loved your blog and podcasts after finding you just this last July!
I have a question… it seems I get stuck. Stuck in the kitchen. Stuck doing the dishes or trying to clear the table. It takes me forever. Stuck folding the laundry.
I have four children and I get stuck in one place, it seems. One eats, then the other wants a snack, then the third wants a drink and the fourth wants to go potty. I get stuck in the kitchen! I don’t know if this makes sense but if it does any advice. I am a horrible slob. I have to work so hard to not be and now am responsible for four other littles. OMG!
Oh, I totally get you! I’ve got four as well that we’re homeschooling, and some days it’s all I can do to keep my head above water! I LOVE Dana’s decluttering book and methods as I’m finally able to make progress even when it’s only once a week (or less!) that I can find time to work on a problem area! For years I really believed that the only way we’d ever get our house under control was if I could have a week (or four!) to work on the house by myself… But now, I’m ok that on most days I really don’t have time for anything beyond the daily stuff as I have a plan to use the time well when it does come. You know, rather than getting overwhelmed and giving up!
One practical suggestion I’ve been learning though is to try and involve the kids in as much of my life as I can. I’m so often tempted to push them away (figuratively speaking, of course!) so mommy can get something done, but invariably they either chase me down or spend the time creating bigger messes elsewhere! But they love it if I tell them stories while we fold laundry together, or give a little cooking lesson while trying to make dinner. Though seriously, these years are just hard! And I’m really going to miss the fullness of them someday.
After a cumulative 20 bags of clothes for donation in 2 weeks, I have zero desire to shop. Bargain or not. It really does work. Plus I found out how silly it is to keep decades of clothes from jobs I no longer have (formal suits, scrubs).
How did you know?
Thank you
Hi the part that got me most…….. was the part about “having to be alone for a week or four” to start the project. I’m soo ashamed of myself for letting things go…. for Many reasons.Sons An friend has offered to help but no;I must go thru all piles.Ohhhh no am I a hoarder??? But a Clean one, not dirty just cluttered.Yikes more excuses. Glad I stumbled across your ad or article. Thank you,😊
This is SO true!! Now I don’t want anything messing up my empty space. LOL. I’ve been slowly shifting my wardrobe to neutral colors, which is a direct result of decluttering. It seems like the emptier my spaces got as I pared down my stuff, the less color was in my house and I seemed to have decluttered brightly colored clothing, sheets, sofa pillows, etc., and left the neutrals without even thinking about doing it. I think my subconscious mind was telling me I’m more calm without the stimulation of a lot of color around me. So as an item of clothing wears out, if I replace it – I replace it in a softer neutral color.
I’m much more of a conscious buyer these days. Everything must have a dedicated spot. If I want to buy something, I have to decide where it will “live” and it too requires its own dedicated spot. It was a huge game changer for me.
You also said something in your book about decluttering for “visual results.” It really resonated with me. As my decluttering process snowballed and really took off (and I couldn’t get rid of stuff fast enough!), I started having more vivid pictures in my mind of what I wanted the house to look like – it became much more clear. And it was really a house devoid of clutter permanently. Happy new year!
I slept with a night light until in second grade I stayed up to watch President Nixon adress the nation and speak on the energy crisis. He said there was something each of us could do. I decided I could turn my night light off and so I did. I wrote him a letter and he sent the nicest letter back thanking me for my sacrifice. He included a book about the history of the white house, and 8 x 10 photos of his dogs, the white house fountain and tulips and more.
First, your thoughts on decluttering rang a loud bell with me. None of the other sites seemed to hit the nail on the head as much as yours did. And I thank you so much for them.
My problem stems from additive life situations. I was in the middle of decluttering from a 22 yr marriage (ending in divorce) with 2 grown children and having to go through all the memories of that life, when my mother and sister passed away within 6 weeks of each other leaving me as executor of both their estates. They were both hoarders, & died leaving 2 houses along with 6 FULL off-site storage rooms for me to clear out on a timely basis due to closing out their estates. Fast forward 3 years later where my small house is filled with their furniture, boxes & totes where possessions had been literally dumped into. For example, one tote had loose jewelry with junk advertising mail, unopened IRS mail from 6 years ago, a screw shooter, LOOSE papers, house closing papers, yellow sticky notes with phone numbers scribbled on them. That is just one tote. There are still about 75 boxes like that that I still have to sift through because I can’t just throw out the whole box. I’m still responsible for anything that pertains to their estates. Talk about overwhelming! I don’t want to spend my remaining years (I’m 62) going through their junk when I can spend time with my daughter, son, and only grandson.
Soooo, in a round about way, have you ever encountered a similar situation? Any suggestions?
Wow! That is a neat “instant habit changing moment”! It is so cool that you actually got a reply from The President/White House. What a thrill that must have been for you and your family! The heart of a child is a beautiful thing. Very cool 😎
New follower, just read your two books. I thought this might be a good way to get a question to you. You say start at your door and daily start decanter. During covid we have no company. Should I start where I open my eyes in dreaded bedroom or stay with front entrance?
I am a fiberaholic. There, I said it. I have enough yarn and fiber stash to open a store, or to keep weaving and crocheting until I am 654 years old. Most of it has been obtained on sale, sometimes at huge discount. I found one of the best ways to deal with it is not by making a soon to be broken promise to not allow any more in my home unless it’s replacing what I used, twice over. Ha. No, the best way for me is to reduce temptation by unsubscribing from the email lists from discount yarn and fiber stores. If I don’t know there’s a sale, then I don’t see things I just MUST buy. It hurt to do that, as I like to support small companies, but my home storage capacity is full. I know how to contact these companies if I actually “need” something to complete a specific project. I don’t need temptations testing my resolve daily.
Applying the Dana decluttering philosophy, I realized I cannot grow my studio room larger and I mustn’t encroach any further into closets and under bed space, nor can I increase my available “making” time. So, I have to stop buying. It’s been 4 months and counting. I even managed to gave away some yarn… not much… but anything thing is a victory.
Dana, I had not read this post before today’s email came in with it. However, I must say “IT REALLY DOES WORK LIKE THIS” … TRUST HER PEOPLE!
A year ago I read your book and began my decluttering. I have since decluttered about 80% of what I wanted to — which was all my stuff that was causing chaos. My husbands stuff and a small amount of furniture that he is not wanting me to remove from the house is still there…
Back to the point… Yes, all that decluttering has now caused me to feel stricken with pain every time I see a deal or something I would normally have brought home. I stop and realize that it too would be UNNECESSARY to buy and would likely be decluttered in short order, as I NOW prefer my cabinets, counters, etc to be less full and easier to do dishes and clean properly.
I clothes shop with purpose, I continue to evaluate items in my spaces. My kids see consumables on MY gift wishlists. My husband no longer sees appliances, etc on my wishlist. (Used to love getting gadgets that made my life easier. A hobby farmer/homeschool Mom kept me wanting things to help in the kitchen so I could spend less time in there. WELL, a crowded kitchen did just that. Had to downsize all but the essentials and now I can easily do meals and dishes after each meal.) Now I tell everyone that I don’t need anything, and when I find something I really do want or need, they will be the first to know.
I buy my adult children gifts that I know they can use now, and not someday… it is a new mind set. I love it. It is also appreciated by every member of the family.
Even when Mom answers “It is gone , use (such and such) instead!” It may be momentarily inconvenient, but the price put on space, and peace of mind is invaluable!
I live in Japan, soy sauce country of the world. Sure appreciated all I have learned from you, Dana. You sure give a lot of info, coming from such a different angle. I will keep my wash cloths. Maybe no one will see me quickly use it for my face. When really horrible, goes to the rags. But will have to be SO bad before I throw them away. I like that idea mentioned, about using an old one for such a grungy job, and then tossing. I learned that from a Japanese girlfriend, in my church here.
This has started happening to me. I have started to declutter. I used to be a shop-a-haulic. My husband and our family budget slowed that down. I turned to garage sales to get that ‘buzz’. Now, with the decluttering I have done, I find I haven’t a desire to shop the garage sales. I still like a good thrift store, but usually buy things we will actually use or replace, not just things that are ‘great deals’.
My husband and I downsized & sold or donated 99% of what we owned. We moved to a condo, & now we buy only what we need, which is hardly anything.
Hi Dana! I love your two question philosophy. It has started me off on the clutterbusting I know I can do. Is it possible to get the flowchart from preordering back in 2022? It seems like you said it was added to one of your books but I cannot seem to find that blog (of course). Thanks for all you do!
Dana and fellow wanna-be declutterers:
Please help! I want to stop shopping, but I just can’t. The pull of the bargain is too strong. I’ve recently discovered a thrift store for kids clothes toys books etc. where I have found such treasures, that even though I don’t need anything else, I can’t resist going to look each week at what bargains they will have and every time I look I come back with bags full of everything. It started with my needing to buy new school trousers and some summer shorts and T-shirts for my kids, but it snowballed into my going back and back and back to see what amazing things they may have at bargain prices. I can’t get into half of the rooms in my house, which are filled with great piles of toys games and clothes. There are too many for us to use but they are so good and fun and many are almost new and they were so cheap that my brain justifies keeping them and buying more of the same each week. I don’t know how I am going to stop. Please help me. I’m so exasperated I just don’t know what to do.