This one will help you avoid the need to use any of the Clutter Guilt Conversations I posted a while back.
I call it “Let’s get this clear before I take it” approach.
Click here if you can’t see the video.
Script:
Me: It is so great to see you!!
Them: You too!
Me: I can’t believe how big Annie is now! I’m not ready for mine to grow up that fast.
Them: Oh they do, they do. They grow up so fast! And don’t let me forget I have a HUGE bag of clothes in the car for you! We cleaned out all our closets on Monday. There’s some stuff in there for your kids, and some stuff for you too! We’re the same size, don’t you think?
Me: That’s so sweet of you. What do you want me to do with the stuff we can’t use?
Them: What do you mean?
Me: I always get so stressed out about how to get rid of stuff people give me. Decluttering is hard enough for me as it is, you know! I hate trying to remember where everything came from, so I’m asking upfront if you’re okay with the fact that I’ll probably either donate or stick whatever we don’t need in our garage sale.
1st Ending
Them: Oh, I can’t stand the thought of all that nice stuff going into a garage sale or a thrift store. If you finish using it, just save it for me and bring it back next time you come this way.
Me: Oh, well in that case, I’d better not take any of it. We really do have what we need and even though I know we’d love it, I can’t handle the stress of having to store it and try to get it back to you.
Alternate, more-likely ending
Them: Oh. Well I’d never thought about that, but I guess I don’t mind. You do whatever you need to do. Once I give it to you, it’s yours.
Me: Thanks! I like you!
--Nony
“I like you!” – how we all feel about Nony when she posts these videos haha 🙂
My husband requires me to have this conversation every time someone tries to give us stuff. We have a very large family so well-meaning friends and family are always trying to give us stuff!!
Ooooh lookin’ good with that dark hair, girl!
http://www.greenmountaincottage.blogspot.com
I love that last bit “I like you”. haha!
“Once I give it, it’s yours” is pretty much assumed. I mean, there’s borrowing a dish to take food home in, but that’s assuming to bring it back unless it’s a butter tub or they say not to bring it back.
I love these!
Could you do one to address the clutter brought by house guests. My in-laws love to spoil my daughter and will literally bring a suitcase full of stuff for her every time they come. Some of it is brand new, a lot of it is yard sale finds, and some of it is stuff from when my husband was her age.
I’m suffocating!
Hmmmm. Sounds like another series I should do . . . .
My kids all love to act, maybe I’ll recruit them!
Yes!! Please address the stuff given to kids. It makes me crazy.
When I give things to friends, I always tell them if it isn’t what they need or can use, just to pass it on or donate it. Once it’s out of my home, it’s no longer mine to make decisions about.
Loving these, and I’d love to see you do one where your response to the giver of clutter is simply, “Aw, thanks for thinking of us. That’s SO sweet of you, but we’re working so hard to get all of the junk out of our house that we just can’t take any of yours.” 😀
I once threw away a faded old cool whip container my mother in law sent food home with and you would have thought I through out gold. I love this.
Whenever I give a bag o’hand-me-downs to anyone, I always make a point to say, “Use what you can and just pass the rest on.”
I recently ask my mom if I could give away her couch (The one she gave to us) to my SIL. She said once I give it to you its yours to do what you want with. I saw in her eyes that this is my nicest piece of furniture and she didn’t know WHY I would get rid of it. BUT SHE DIDN’T FILL ME WITH CLUTTER GUILT! I love my momma!
Just had this fight with my sister last week. Sigh! Before we were done, she was criticizing how I do (or don’t) do laundry, whether or not my husband & son help enough, and basically told me, “Know this – YOU are different than other people. Why do you reject my every effort to help you?!
I struggle with chronic illness. I think many ” slobs” do. At times, my inability to do housework reaches totally paralyzing proportions. When my sister offers to help, it involves trying to rearrange my entire home AND life in a way she considers practical. Not having struggled with the deficits my family faces, she doesn’t understand how impossible some of our “solutions” would be for us. She proceeds to interrogate me & any explanation I offer is followed by judgement & lectures about issues she cannot possibly understand, some of which would seriously take away every shred of privacy & dignity we have to explain
Last week she offered to buy things she sees on eBay that she thinks I can use & have them delivered to me. She said, “Whatever you can’t use, just donate it.”. I’ve spent the last 10 years digging out from the largesse of my Mother cleaning out her house (so we won’t have to do it when she’s gone.). I was too sick to argue & my home & van were full of bags for me to ” go through.”
Nobody ever gives me anything I really want or need. Any “help I receive leaves me worse off than I was before. So, all I want to do is purge & create an environment I can enjoy & handle.
Meanwhile, my sister thinks I’m mean & ungrateful for refusing her offers. I would LOVE for her to come mop my floor & wasdh my dishes so I could focus what energy I have on purging & caring for my needs & my family.
Meanwhile, I’m onher ” no call” list. Oh well. I don’t feel like talking anyway. I could use a friend, though.
It sounds like her true intention is to help, your sister in law, that is, just in a way that you don’t seem to need in your life.
I say you say NO to any of her offers other than the ones you feel you can accept, (truly accept without stressing out about the apparent avalanche of items, advice and judgement that follows). This might just leave offers of dinner invitations and a cup of coffee, not purchasing items you don’t want or need. This just might be the subtle hint she needs to back of a bit and just be a friend. If all else fails, tell her EXACTLY what you expect from your relationship with her. If she doesn’t like it, that’s not your problem. Be honest, it’s always the best policy. Tact is helpful, too.
My mom likes to buy me and my kids a LOT of things we don’t want or need. I accept them with a thanks, and then do whatever I feel I need to with them. Sometimes that means I drive directly to my local donation center. Donate them or use them. When you give a gift, it no longer is your concern when someone else accepts it.
Thank goodness my friends give things like this: “would you like some clothes? Anything you don’t need, just pass on or toss or whatever” Best gifts ever.