I’ve been putting this post off forever.
At least since I returned from the Women of Faith event I attended.
Here’s the thing. I wanted to be profound. I wanted to be earth-shattering. I wanted what I wrote to be something that would drop jaws and bring tears.
But what I kept coming back to as the thing God wanted from me . . . is so simple.
Authenticity.
I loved going to the event. Patsy Clairmont is who I want to be when I grow up. She is one of the most gifted speakers I’ve ever heard. I cried, then laughed, then cried again. I tried to fully drink in every word she said. She completely spoke my language.
But the thing that has stayed with me wasn’t in my language. In fact, it kind of irritated me and made me come up with lots of “But I’m”s in my head.
And I kind of think that was God’s point.
So much of what Patsy Clairmont said echoed and confirmed what I’ve been doing here on A Slob Comes Clean for two years now.
But God wants me to start working on another aspect. I’ve been completely authentic here on the blog. It has been my safe place. My place where I can say anything, after editing and deleting and using italics in all the right places.
And I’ve hidden behind the pink bandana.
Slowly, over the past several months, I’ve revealed more of the real me to you, my readers. I put my non-costumed picture on my speaking page, and linked to a freelance article that used my full name. I’ve shared more and more of me . . . in my safe place.
But I’ve been convicted that I need to share more of me . . . everywhere. All of me. This part that was such a small part because I kept it hidden, has now become a very large part of my life. And, in a strange way, it has become my ministry. Many of you have shared that you needed someone else to be willing to say the things that had gone through your own head.
If it’s going to be my ministry, I need to be all in. Not just hiding behind a computer screen where I can delete any horrified looks that come my way.
It’s interesting to me (though not surprising) that while God has been convicting me to be more open about my deepest darkest secret and efforts to change, I’ve also had more opportunities to be honest.
Two days last week, I volunteered at my daughter’s school. I was asked each day (by five year olds) where I work.
I gave my standard answer, “At home.”
But both times, my daughter piped in and said, “She works at our house on our computer and she makes money blogging.”
Which totally confused the five year olds. But I’m guessing that she’s recited that speech other times, perhaps to adults.
The reality is that no one in my real life cares if I blog. But the fact that I keep it a secret . . . is what I have to explain. And it makes them feel like I don’t trust them enough.
Which, in my mind, is NOT the issue. But maybe it really is. Because the thing I have to trust them with is my heart. My pride. My previously-deepest-darkest secret. My fear of rejection.
And as Lisa Whelchel said regarding friendships, I need to be vulnerable. Smart-vulnerable, but vulnerable. Smart, meaning . . . don’t put an ad in the paper declaring myself a slob. Vulnerable, meaning . . . bring this real-me, and the real-me people know, into one person . . . everywhere.
I’m thinking that just answering the question “So what are you doing now that all of your kids are in school?” with “Well, I have a blog that I work on” . . . would be a start.
I’m nervous.
Disclosure: I was provided with two tickets to attend the Dallas Women of Faith event in August by Book Sneeze and Women of Faith.
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Love it! Being authentic is such a difficult thing to be! You can do it!
Ugh, I so needed to read this. Good for you! I blog fairly anonymously in that I hide a lot of personal information but my family and friends know it is me. I, however, have a second blog that no one but my husband is aware of. I think it is great to start anonymously because you can openly throw all of your fears, self-doubt, and failures out there, but at some point, it helps more people when the anonymity is removed. I will never judge you! I admire you far too much!! Keep listening to God and I will definitely keep following! 🙂
I recently found your blog and we have some of the same dirty little secrets which, makes me feel not so alone. My world seems to be shaking and I’m in a free fall, hanging on to the little faith I have which, is nerve racking and scary. But, I think that I found you for a reason … someone up above is watching out for us, and he spoke through you to me! I needed to hear this message, especially today, and yes, you made a few tears well in my eyes. I will definitely keep following you. Thank you!! 🙂
Years ago, I looked around & realized I had no social life and no real friends – no one to hang out with. After much soul searching, I realized the state of my house caused me to push people away. If I accepted an invitation to their house, they might expect me to reciprocate. And I never invited anyone to my house – ever. So I started praying about it, praying that God would help me get my house in order. My problem was only partially housekeeping – it was more maintainance. Twenty year old carpet, 15 year old wall paint, etc. I wanted God to help me fix what I didn’t see any way to afford or do, while working full time. Eventually, God did help me fix up my house, but not before teaching me that true Christian hospitality has nothing to do with the condition of your house, and that I should welcome people in instead of allowing my shame to keep them out.
I know it sounds crazy (maybe not so much, actually), but the hardest part of blogging for me is knowing that the people I know in real life are going to read it. And comment. Or worse, not comment. They’ll know what I’m thinking or doing at any given moment. Honestly, though, I never could feel authentic if the people who really know me weren’t looking, because who would hold me accountable for hiding the little, not-so-wonderful details, or maybe heading off a little too much to the self-deprecating side (which I’m really bad for)? I guess I could hold myself accountable, and I do, but if you want to be authentic, you have to be integrated. Your online you has to be the same as your offline you. Does that make sense?
I blog somewhat anonymously due to my husband’s career, security is a concern at our house. But I will also admit that there are only two other people who know that I have a blog and I shared it VERY reluctantly with them.
It’s kind of bizarre but it’s much easier to open up and share things with strangers versus the people you care about. I work really hard to ‘keep it real’ because I don’t want to be a hypocrite or lead people to think that I have it all together. As my blog name states, I definitely am not Wonder Woman. While my family and friends don’t know that I do this, I write it as if they do read it because some day I hope that I will tell them (hopefully after it’s bringing in a six figure income 🙂 At that point I want them to see that I was being real and not saying or doing anything that wasn’t truly who I am.
I blog anon. Always have, always will. I think it depends on the person & the circumstance. For some, full disclosure is a good thing – for some of us it isn’t. Different strokes for different folks.
Either way – please never change!! Your authenticity is what I love the most about your blog.
I just stumbled across your blog for the first time ever and found this post! I’ve been blogging for a couple months and no one in the real world knows. I feel like it would make me more self conscious and scared to say and be the real me. I’ve felt guilty, relieved, scared, and proud-when I get a comment from a stranger- I know it wasn’t just because they were old friends.
I loved finding this and reading how not alone I am. Maybe someday I’ll share but I’m a teacher and I would really feel uncomfortable having my co-workers aware of my blog; not that I say anything I shouldn’t, but I would feel so judged. I was thinking my blog was better, more open, because I blog anonymously.
Thank you for being so honest and open.
I don’t think the question is about blogging, it’s about loving. Becoming vulnerable enough to the ones you love for them to love you back. First of your posts to make me cry.
“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket–safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” CS Lewis
OK. Part of me wants to respond to each individual comment. I LOVE that you get this struggle.
Just remember, this is something I’m only “ready” for after more than two years.
Nony,
I started blogging to keep in touch with family and friends, and it would be weird for me not to be able to picture my readers. I am always shocked that people, some who I have never met, want to read what I am thinking about. I am in awe of those of you who have taken the plunge into blogging with nothing more than a vision.
I’ve only been reading for a week (been sick, so had extra time to explore old posts), but I feel connected to you in a common struggle. For years, our family Christmas letter included samples of all the fun our family had over the past year, all the things the kids were learning and my yearly “slob clause” of “still fighting to control the stuff monster, and hope I’m improving”. Sigh. Everyone who knows me knows its an issue. I’ve felt deep shame about it at times, total embarrassment at other times, and finally anger for having to feel anything.
I’ll keep reading and learning and laughing with you. OK, I’m sure I’ll cry with you, too. Thanks for writing!
Martita
I’m just now allowing myself “the guts” to get out and blog truly, and open myself up out there. Remember, authenticity is a process- a journey. I heard something on the radio today, that God is not interested in “our goals.” So often we get upset that He calls us to something and yet we don’t feel like we “succeeded” or “achieved” anything. Yet, God’s goal is not the end mark, but the process itself. The “transformation” (Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.) is the goal for God in our lives.
That really made me think and lifted me up today.
I just screenshot your thoughts on goals — so biblically profound!
great 🙂 love your honesty and you are stepping out of your comfort zone to share…. (((hug))))
Oh, Nony!
Good for you. This is hard, hard, hard. I know it. But you really are ready. Yes, you are.
And I am now officially caught up from the “start here.” What a journey!
This is a new phase. And you will grow and stretch and be outside your comfort zone. I feel privileged that I’ll get to “see” it all.
Bless you.
Wow, thank you for being so honest and sharing yourself with all of us. I LOVE your blog and look forward to reading it every day. You make such a difference my life! I’ve started a blog about my decluttering journey but it’s by invitation only. Maybe someday I’ll be as brave as you with yours!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for being you!
Karen
I’m so proud of you, and I’m sure the Lord is smiling about now. If I were a personal friend, I’d come to your house just to give you a hug! :0)
wow, you just awed me right there… I’ve been reading the backlog of your log for a while now, and was already impressed with how you live your faith (as opposed to just sitting in a church once a week…). But actually seeing you brace yourself before going public: wow, that’s courage! I keep feeling suprised how much courage true humbleness takes :s I’ve very recently started a blog, but haven’t published any of it because… I didn’t want anyone I know to see!! Now I know I’m not the only one with issues 🙂 I’ll try and follow your example soon, thanks for being a light on my path!!