Reader Question:
i relate to you so much so i feel i can ask you this….how do you stop judging yourself when things get on top of you? like when i go to a friends i find i’m judging myself on how their home is compared to mine. i was wondering if you’ve been through it? still go through it? and if so how do you curb it enough so you don’t give up on trying to at least slightly curb your messiness.
Nony’s Answer:
I totally relate. I still get so frustrated with myself when I suddenly see a big mess that’s making life difficult that has escaped my Slob Vision until the moment when I desperately need to find something.
The best cure is to do something. Even something small like setting a timer for 5 minutes and tackling a visible space. It’s amazing how much hope this gives. Don’t focus on the big picture and the big feelings of failure. Look around, see which visible space makes you want to cry the most, and give it five minutes.
Even better, take a picture before you start and again after five minutes. This will give you visual proof of how much can be done in such a short time and will inspire you the next time you feel this way.
Related posts:
How to Prioritize Decluttering Projects (The Visibility Rule)
How to Start Cleaning Up When You Don’t Know Where to Start
28 Days to Hope for Your Home (Not for the Mildly Disorganized) – (an e-book now retired – For detailed guides, check out my books: How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind and Decluttering at the Speed of Life.)
Podcast (aslobcomesclean-comfeeddailyaudioblog): Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: RSS
--Nony
hi,
i recently started listening to some motivational and success stuff and some how John Maxwell’s ‘Rule of 5’ made me think of you… basically he says that in order to cut down a tree you have to simply go out and hit it with your ax 5 times every day. no matter how big the tree one day it will fall if we hit 5 times every day. not 50, not 500. he applies it to all sorts of areas. we just have to identify the right ax/tool for the tree we trying to hit. essentially it means that in order to really succeed in an area we have to change our daily habits, not try to move mountains every once in a while with a burst of motivation or a crazy work fit. anyways, i am thinking ‘do the dishes every night’ 🙂
Love this!!! What a great example!
I don’t know about you but that comparison thing can leave me feeling angry and a whole host of emotions. I use that emotion to DO SOMETHING. It doesn’t matter what. And recently I’ve been repeating something (I think I heard it in a Nony podcast) that keeps me going and focused, ‘housework, even done badly, blesses your home’, and it’s TRUE – who knew? I used to get that cleaning paralysis thing when all those feelings bubbled up. But now I put on a podcast and get cleaning or decluttering and I feel better.
That’s a Flylady quote (flylady.net). I relate to her and Nony but prefer this place, here (mostly due to the writing-style and cause flylady doesn’t have Kids in her house). Cheers!
Great answer. Thanks.
What I want to know is what keeps you going and motivated to clean when all the ‘visible’ spaces are mostly under control? When you are tired of spending what seems like every free second cleaning only to have your family members pile stuff all over that table you just cleared off again. Like a bedroom or a closet that no one is ever going to see. And while once in a while I get an urge to tackle at least some of the mess in those spots (Sunday night at 10pm anyone??), it just can’t seem to get motivated to really finish it and get it done.
TwinMom, the system needs to meet them where they’re at.
And to our original question, I say: those houses are NOT as clean as you might think. They’re struggling, too, they just either hide or cope better.
We judge ourselves harshly because people judge us harshly. If you’re genuinely not good at keeping a clean and tidy house and have the slob vision only we understand, people tend to think you’re lazy or a ‘slob’ and think you just need to get on with it, no excuses. We feel this judgement deeply (well I do anyway) and hide our houses from people. Yet if someone is a terrible cook, a bad driver, a useless gardener , useless DIYer etc, people invariably just find theses failings funny and acceptable. We’re just unlucky that our poor performance is in housekeeping. I think if I was starting over I’d really try to have less stuff, I can’t control what I’ve got. Also, sometimes when I tackle a job I actually feel emotionally upset about my little struggle and go off and do something else, or nothing at all, to get rid of the feelings. Sounds a bit OTT I know, it’s only a bit of dirt and disorder after all, but the failure feelings can get to you in a bad day.
I’m so there with this reader. I’ve made tremendous leaps on this cleaning journey. Then I go to a friend’s house and see everything sooooooooo perfect. No mail piles, she actually had decor on her fridge not cereal or “stuff”. Every corner dusted, every curtironed ironed, yes she doesn’t 5 kids and is 20 years older. But it makes me feel so frustrated with myself, so broken beyond repair.
Dearest messee momee: No no no! Reject comparisons of all kinds, but especially with someone who has such a different situation. If something isn’t working for you (can’t find things, for example), then finding a better way is worth your time and energy – because it will save you time and energy tomorrow. But cleaning and organizing and making changes for appearance only will not last. Do not judge yourself. Just be practical and do what works (in a functional way) for YOU, in your current situation. Now is all that matters. (In 20 years, maybe you’ll want – and have time for – decor on top of your fridge, but right now you have different priorities.) 🙂
I don’t think people who judge us realize how much we beat ourselves up with guilt and feelings of failure–for the normals they think it’s easy to just make it different! For us, it’s paralyzing and so difficult to make those steps, even though we WANT to…Thank you Nony for making those baby steps attainable and entertaining and help lift off our SlobGoggles, if even for 5 minutes!
…..& Cheryl it touched my heart that you are lifting up fellow slob sisters with positive comments & kindness. Yes yes yes! It made me smile 🙂
What a great question from your reader! I struggle with myself as well. After spending time here at A Slob Comes Clean I began asking myself questions rather than berating myself — “What is it that makes my friend’s house neater?” “Why do I feel comfortable here?” “What is one think I can do to improve things in my own home?” I cannot be someone else, and I cannot make whole-house changes in one afternoon, but I can work on changing one habit at a time or tackle on small space at a time.
I feel like the woman is asking how to stop judging herself for feeling inferior. I don’t think an ACTION to organization is the answer. I think two things need to take place. 1. You need to recognize that someone else might have a better handle on their ‘stuff’ than YOU do. Admitting that, comes first. 2. Then you need to ask yourself Why? Is it because you are lazy/slothful? If so, than realizing it, is the first step, being sorry is the second, and getting to work is the solution. Or do you truly not comprehend your situation? If the answer is the second, then you probably just have a ‘different brain’, a different way of thinking about things. If that’s the case, then RELAX, the God Whose Opinion Matters, CREATED you with a different brain. Therefore, you need not feel inferior to Anyone. You just need to learn about your style and this is exactly how Dana can help. And, to quote the song from Fiddler on the Roof, ” Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles-
God took up Daniel once again,
Stood by his and side and- miracle of miracles-
Walked him through the lions den! ” ( Only take out ‘Daniel’ and ‘lions’ den’ and replace it with your own name and household slob condition.) It’s just TIME FOR US TO BE HAPPY WITH OURSELVES. One way or the other, we’ve got to fix the problem. I thank Dana for helping me to understand myself better. What a freeing lesson she teaches!
Oh man, I wish I found you years ago when she you were still Nony, but I am so glad that I found you now.