Last night was one of those.
It was supposed to be our one night at home this week. Supposed to be . . . before I was reminded that there was a Cub Scout meeting. Supposed to be . . . before my 6yo’s coach decided to have a t-ball practice, because you know, two games in a week (per child) isn’t enough time for the boys to spend at the ball fields.
I was already irritated at the situation, and then hubby called to say that he was stuck out of town and would likely not make it home in time for either of these things. These things that were happening at the same time. These things that each required parental accompaniment.
So what did I do? I couldn’t think of a solution. I didn’t want to have to make a choice between the two things. I didn’t have the mental energy necessary to come up with a plan to make things work.
I did nothing. I didn’t even think about the problem. I found something more enjoyable to do, and purposely ignored the clock. I didn’t make dinner, which was necessary no matter what decision we eventually would make.
I avoided the issue. And then, of course, when it was almost too late to throw ham sandwiches together, I called my husband and asked him to make the decision for me. Thankfully, he was closer than he thought he would be, and was able to pick up the Cub Scout from the baseball practice and go with him. But, of course, at that point, the kids had to shove down their sandwiches, we had to run to the store to get something to take to Cub Scouts, and we didn’t even leave the house until after the time that the t-ball practice had started.
If I had just done what I knew had to be done, regardless of the decision, like . . . SUPPER, things would have been so much easier once the situation was figured out.
I do this. Sometimes if something stresses me, I put it out of my mind. I was thinking about this last night as I was so frustrated with myself for the completely avoidable hassle that I had added to the unavoidable hassle. In what my mother has gently pointed out to me is my typical fashion (over-using “always” and “never”), I lamented that I always avoid things that I don’t want to do.
But really, that isn’t true. There are many areas of life where I don’t avoid the hard stuff. In parenting, I’d much rather confront the issue early on than let it grow into something that eventually HAS to be dealt with. I’m often the one who has the privilege of dealing with difficult/delicate issues in groups. Putting on a play, I know exactly what it takes to have a good show, and I’m going to work hard from the beginning to be sure that things turn out well.
I guess my point is that maybe everyone does this to some degree, but in different areas. One of my biggest areas of avoidance is in housework. I imagine a job – like cleaning the shower – to be so big, so time-consuming, so difficult – that I avoid thinking about it. I choose not to let it register that the shower floor is supposed to be white.
I shared yesterday that I took a week off from cleaning the bathrooms. Although it might be okay to skip a week of shower scrubbing, it’s really not okay to go an entire week without ever peeking in the door of your kids’ bathroom. I knew it was bad, because even my peripheral vision could see the mess as I walked by, but I had chosen not to look inside and let it register. Too many other things were going on, overwhelming me, and I didn’t want to know what it really looked like.
Today, though, while composing this post in my head and being irritated at my tendency to avoid, I went in there. I picked up the dirty clothes off of the floor and shoved them in the hamper. I moved the fossils/playground-rocks that my 6yo paleontologist has been faithfully scrubbing with an old toothbrush. I wiped down the counter and the toilet, and suddenly, I wasn’t horrified anymore. And, of course, like so many things I avoid, it took me all of about 4 minutes.
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Don’t forget that today is the first Focus Check Friday.
jennifer says
"I picked up the dirty clothes off of the floor and shoved them in the hamper. I moved the fossils/playground-rocks that my 6yo paleontologist has been faithfully scrubbing with an old toothbrush. I wiped down the counter and the toilet, and suddenly, I wasn't horrified anymore."
Well the, HOORAY FOR YOU! (((HUGS))) You did it. Now, forget everything else that went wrong.
Nichole says
Thanks to you I finally quit avoiding my kids bathroom, and it only took 10 minutes from start to finish and that included getting the cleaning supplies. Thank you for the inspiration to just do it.
masterpiecemom2 says
I also suffer from ‘Scarlet O’Hara Syndrome’. “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” It has always astounded me that I can take charge and be so organized about some areas of my life and yet with my home and personal routines, I can’t keep it together. The ‘just keep swimming’ philosophy has become my mantra.
Dottie says
I made myself come back to reading the old posts because I slacked off of cleaning for a bit. This post here hit the nail on the head –avoidance. I’m a master at avoiding things I don’t want to deal with. At least half the things I avoid wouldn’t be so bad if I just tackled them in the first place.
De says
I’ve been reading through your posts, the whole time thinking that we are SO similar! This post just resonated with me so so much! I can spend hours on tedious schoolwork, or all day cooking in the kitchen, but the piles of stuff all around me either 1) are never noticed or 2) are purposely avoided until absolutely necessary!!! It is so nice to know that I am not alone!
Bethany says
I’ve been reading through your archives for the last few days. The thing that most keeps me reading is how many mental tics you describe that I also have – selective vision, thinking I have to do everything if I start, overestimating how long something will take, “needing” inspiration/energy to do routine work, and so many more.
But the paralysis you describe here is familiar, I know it well. I so fear the consequences of making the wrong decision that I avoid the task for as long as possible. And I don’t remember until much later that making a decision, any decision, is better than letting the whole thing slide.
I’m having my first baby in February, and then I plan to stay home. Hopefully I’ll be able to apply some of the lessons you’ve learned from confronting those mental habits to correct my own before I become a full blown slob (the potential is there, believe me).
unmowngrass says
“I moved the fossils/playground-rocks that my 6yo paleontologist has been faithfully scrubbing with an old toothbrush.”
Not to freak out your germaphobe self, though, but are you sure it was an OLD toothbrush?! 😀
…I say this having lived with a five year old boy child who wanted to mop the floor (God only knows why), didn’t have any water (he’s too short to reach the kitchen sink without help!) so… put the mop in the toilet. The UNFLUSHED toilet. (I blame the five year old for that, too!) So I feel obliged to acknowledge the possibility that to a six year old, maybe his current toothbrush is also adequate?
(I do apologise if I’ve been over-familar in this or any other comment — I’m sure you’re sick of hearing it, but I can relate so clearly to what you say that it feels like you’ve crawled inside my brain, and at that point I think I forgot about social niceties, like, “hey, maybe this lady that I’ve never met has actually mentioned to her own son that there are toothbrushes for teeth, and separate, older toothbrushes for cleaning stuff”; I’m sorry.)
Dana White says
Please don’t apologize!! I love comments!!
And oh my word, the mop-in-the-toilet story is classic!!!
Gail says
Oh my gosh, the ‘if I just don’t look at this overwhelming problem maybe it’ll go away or solve itself or something,’ I do that too. And sometimes I also call my husband to help me figure it out. (and then sometimes I’m so trapped in ‘aaaahh this is an overwhelming problem!!!’ thoughts that I don’t even think to ask for help.) It’s embarrassing and makes me feel like I’m failing at life, and I didn’t realize other people might have the same kind of problem. I’m trying to get better at facing things, and asking for help, and doing the thing. Knowing it’s not just me struggling with this helps too. I read your book ‘How to Manage your Home without Losing your Mind’, and am gradually reading your blog from oldest to newest, and just wanted to let you know, here’s one more person you’re really helping by being brave enough to share the hard things, warts and all.
fep says
Oh yes I do this so much. Avoid making decisions or decide on a plan of action, because I don’t want to and then scramble at the last minute… and the worse? Not always but very often I KNOW from the start what I should/will do, I just put it off and make it harder for myself. Although I know very well I make better decisions when I don’t wait… Somehow I keep living in the delusion that I am “waiting to let myself have options”. Really not sure how to change that…
Sorry for the comments years later, but your blogs has so many great, relatable posts, I sort of wish I found it sooner 🙂