See that? It’s a breakfast casserole. Hot and cheesy and sausage-ey.
And not typically an emotional thing.
I balanced it on my lap as we drove to church on a recent Sunday morning. I took a picture because of the twinge I felt.
The twinge came in a moment of grief over the woman I assumed I would be at this point in my life. I thought I would be the person who made breakfast casseroles. Who experienced joy every time she browned sausage and scrambled eggs and greased baking pans.
And I do love browning sausage and scrambling eggs and greasing baking pans.
But ask me to do those things on an already busy Sunday morning during a time when I’m hyper focused on sending my new book into the world, and there aren’t a lot of warm fuzzy feelings happening.
Instead of that smiling casserole maker, I’m the woman whose husband signs up to bring breakfast. Whose husband makes the whole thing, never even mentioning that he signed up to bring it, partly because he’s awesome at making breakfast, and partly because he knows I’m not in a frame of mind right now to think about things like breakfast casseroles.
He knows signing up on a breakfast list or needing to remember I’d signed up, or having to go to the store on a Saturday night to get the ingredients . . . might just send me over the edge.
Let me be clear. This isn’t a gender roles issue. It’s a personal identity issue for me.
And this wasn’t even a truly emotional moment. Just a twinge-of-grief moment.
I like the things I’m doing, writing books and such, but sometimes I miss the woman I assumed I’d be.
Who had nothing else on her mind but making a breakfast casserole.
Honestly, this grief-twinge thing is only a reaction to the ideal vision I had of Future Me. Future Me was going to make breakfast casseroles and learn to sew and scrape the popcorn texturing off her own ceilings.
But Future Me was really Dream Me.
And Dream/Future Me had nothing else to do in the vision that played through my mind.
Dreams are one-dimensional. My visions of Dream Me were like a movie. Fun or pivotal scenes go into movies.
Movies may include montages of dancing or laughing or chopping vegetables in a perfectly clean kitchen. But very few movies spend precious screen time letting you watch someone go through the entire process of loading the dishwasher.
And usually, if there’s a scene that focuses on the mom having a mile long to do list and then realizing she signed up to bring a breakfast casserole, it’s probably foreshadowing that she’s about to have a breakdown of some sort.
So I’m not complaining (necessarily) that I am lacking breakfast-casserole-remembering-or-enjoying brainspace due to amazing things like book writing and speaking and podcasting.
Those things were dreams, too. (Not that podcasting was a thing, but y’know.)
But in these twingy moments, I do have to realize that I can’t do everything the way I imagined I’d do it.
The life I’m actually living includes all the dimensions. And all the angles. And all the layers. All at the same time.
And that is awesome.
So I use the twinge of grief over one thing not looking exactly how I assumed it would look as a reminder to view my life as a whole.
To take a breath and smile instead of groan. To be thankful that in the midst of a life that includes great things, I have a husband who is more than happy to take care of our breakfast-bringing turn. And even if I didn’t have him, that twinge would remind me to be thankful for donut shops with drive thru windows.
I’m thankful for where I am. For who I am. Whether or not every scene of my life looks like I thought it would at this point.
And every time I acknowledge the twinge, feel the temporary moment of grief, and shift my perspective to remember how thankful I am, I move forward just a little in my ability to declutter things that cause grief twinges.
For one thing, I know the grief twinges I feel when I declutter are temporary. I’ll live through them, and living through them will give me new perspective. And I usually like that new perspective.
For another thing, as I purge the things that don’t match up with my current reality, I make space for, and honor, my current reality. Honoring where I am right now makes me feel grateful.
And most of all, when I purge something that doesn’t fit in with who I am right now, I’m acknowledging that I change. I’ve changed and will continue to change and changing is part of the fun of life.
My newest book, Decluttering at the Speed of Life, is now available. In this book I dive deep into the grief that’s involved in some decluttering projects. I cover things a lot more life-altering than breakfast casseroles. You’ll find it wherever books are sold, or learn more HERE. You might also want to check out The 5 Day Clutter Shakedown, a video course that walks you through my decluttering methods step-by-step.
--Nony
Pamela McCall says
However much I love how you’ve helped over the last few years to get me closer to a decluttered house, however much I love, even more, the difference you’ve made in getting a yummy meal on our table in a few minutes with your “freezer cooking”, multiply that times a hundred and you’ll get how much I love and tear up when you dive deep into the emotions of clutter and change and acceptance! “I hope that makes sense.” 😀
Lisa says
Thank you for this! It’s like you are explaining my own brain to me. I’m looking forward to reading your new book!
MG says
Eeesh, trying to get through this wonderful article but, the ads! Wow. So. Many. Ads. It’s very distracting. Long time supporter (many years). Faithful podcast listener. TOTALLY on board with monetizing blogs etc. But is there any other way of making them less distracting?
lfc says
Ooh, this hit me where I live. You put words to something I felt, but couldn’t recognize for what it was. I can tell this is really going to stick with me and help me in the future. Thank you for sharing <3
Lisa says
I love this. Not only do I have artifacts of Dream Me cluttering up my house, I have artifacts of all the DIFFERENT Dream Mes I have ever imagined. Versions of me that are incompatible with each other or at least that a 24-hour day could never accommodate at the same time. I’m sure it would be better to feel the guilt twinges just once while getting rid of them instead of feeling them over and over every time I see them.
Sandra says
Thank you, Lisa. You have described me to a ‘T’. I too have so many historic Dream Mes’. Mostly unfulfilled. And incredibly painful to look at every day. I’m still frightened to purge a lot of it, I guess because I can’t really believe that the dream has passed my by, but I will really be working on this in this new year.
Thank all of you who share from your hearts, and tell me I am not alone. Thank you Dana, for starting all this.
Penelope says
I’ve been feeling those twinges lately too. But right now, I need the breakfast casserole recipe! Just mean to show me food and not give me the recipe….
Meanwhile, did you ever find the plastic Easter Eggs? I’m wondering where mine are….
Janice says
Thank you so much! I think that is a big part of my clutter issues.
Emily says
Nony, thank you for dealing with the emotions of our “dream selves” as we let go of what isn’t real and true today. I have been doing a wardrobe challenge & she speaks about your “fantasy self” – same idea. My fantasy/dream self was all set to have a boy & a girl (got two boys), dress in cute clothes all my life (I’m getting better, but the baggy sweatshirts don’t gel), smile as I fed all the friends my kids brought home (when in reality I sigh when they come to the door), and have time alone after bedtime to read and relax (now I’m falling into bed exhausted before my teenager turns off his light). Funny how reality intrudes! 🙂
Good for you, and know I’m there with you.
withheld says
I was dismayed at some parts of this “smiling casserole maker” post. I disliked this: “but sometimes I miss the woman I assumed I’d be. Who had nothing else on her mind but making a breakfast casserole.”
Who exactly, is like this? Okay, it’s not you, because you are busy “due to amazing things like book writing and speaking and podcasting.” But really, are you being fair in such passing references?
Do not forget that there are amazing women out there who may APPEAR to have nothing else on their minds. Don’t perpetuate the stereotype of the vacant housewife. A woman may prioritize things like breakfast baking, so . . . .? Is that because she can’t blog or write or think of anything “better” to do? Consider that she may have decided to prioritize family life, which means, in turn, that she has a lot on her mind.
Dana White says
I am so so sorry this post came across that way. Your interpretation was the complete opposite of my intention. I hope you’ll read it again and see that you and I are, in fact, preaching the same message.
Susan Kridler says
I surely did NOT read it as disrespectful of the choice of concentrating on home and family. I read it, and understand Dana’s other messages, as highly valuing home and family, and feeling a bit sad at occasionally being removed from it. To me, Dana’s messages are wonderfully devoid of the mentality that a career outside the home is the best goal. To me, she champions being a very whole person who prioritizes well.
Mignon says
Thanks so much for this thoughtful reflection!
Sue-Ann says
Thanks for a great post. Your email mentioned getting rid of craft supplies and how that felt like giving up on the crafty person you thought you would be. This week I was able to see how I thought I would be crafty, but I am just NOT. It made me laugh at myself because I remembered your story about the picture frames.
Our present is often better than our dreams. Like you, when I am grateful for the good in my real life (I can use a drill!), then I can better handle those twinges of emotion.
Susan Kridler says
Excellent piece! Just what I needed today! Please keep it up!
Tammy M says
Ohmygosh-THIS!
I realized, as well, that sometimes it isn’t a dream version of ourselves (of which we must let go) but a earlier version/phase of ourselves (with the clutter of equipment from that phase) of which we must let go.
Blessings,
Denise says
So much truth right here!! Thanks for the peak inside your brain, which looks very similar to mine at times. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of the should of/would of/ could of….
Jessica says
Dana,
This may be the very best post of yours I have read! I love it! It reflects a place I am in my life right now with decluttering the items I bought because of who I wanted to be or thought I should be. I am who I am and I need to let these things go so that I can let my true self shine.
Peggy Turchette says
I was going to be the Creative Artist who filled sketchbooks daily, who taught herself the entire Royal School of Needlework two-year full-time curriculum through books, who learned calligraphy in no time for a future wedding invitation home business, who needle-felted little critters for a thriving Etsy shop, and who also managed a full-time dog sitting/dog walking business that functions twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and keeps me self-supporting at age 70 instead of being financially dependent on my children. Oh, and the house was going to be spotless (despite up to seven dogs staying here overnight), the garden would be the showpiece of the neighborhood, and I was going to establish a daily yoga practice and floss my teeth every night as I listed to “The Brothers Karamozov” on Audible.com Thanks for helping me forgive myself for not being all these things.
Willie says
Oh my gosh goodness. Once again your post hit home. My twinges are over the perfect photo albums I was going to do. My son is turning 37. My daughter is turning 26. I have all these important pictures and school papers. Plus I told my sisters (since I was so crafty) that as graduation presents for my nephews I would do theirs too. One is 23 and the other is 20. Plus one graduating in 2020 and the other in 2021. And of course I said I would compile, share and scrapbook my parents photographs for my 3 siblings. I’m drowning. But my bedroom closet is decluttered. I find myself doing other things than concentrating on what needs to be done. Sigh. Also i preordered your book through amazon not you so i wont get any goodies. Double sigh
Dana White says
You can get the pre-order bonuses! I don’t take any direct orders for the book, so you just fill out the form here: https://www.aslobcomesclean.com/bonus and get them that way!
Emily says
This really resonated with me—-Dream Me…who is she, really?! I really liked the part that said to honor where you are now…”honor” is such a weighty word, and it shows the depth to which we can appreciate even the most seemingly simple parts of our lives (even a small grief over a casserole). Hank you for sharing!
Marcie says
Outstanding post. It explains the baby clothes I kept 10 years before letting go, and many smaller clutter hoards I’ve had. Thanks for this!!
Laura says
Thank you, thank you. I just stumbled upon you recently and am hungry to hear more. I can’t wait to start in on your podcasts and your book sounds life changing!