First, let me clarify a few things.
1. Flylady is awesome. When people ask me for advice here, I try to make it clear that I’m no expert when it comes to cleaning, organizing, etc. and I generally send them her way. If you want to know what it takes to get your house under control, she’s your woman. And she’ll tell you exactly what to do.
2. When I talk about “how I learn” I automatically feel defensive. One of the reasons that my own disorganization used to confuse and fluster me so much is that I am generally a very intelligent, competent person. I’m a thinker, an analyzer. I taught Theatre and literature, and absolutely loved analyzing the deep and symbolic meaning behind a poem or a play. I even enjoyed doing proofs in geometry class. Figuring out the whys and the logical steps was fun for me. So why in the world, when I can think analytically, can’t I seem to notice one dirty towel on the floor until it becomes an entire bathroom covered a foot deep in dirty clothes? This was mind-boggling and incredibly frustrating.
Then today, I had another tap-dance inspired moment of realization.
I pulled out my tap floor after several weeks of making excuses that I was too busy to use it. I started going through my beloved DVD, and after the first few basic steps, I decided that I would skip that part and move on to the combinations portion. This was big. When I first started doing the DVD, I felt like an elephant. Even though I knew that I used to be able to do the steps, my shuffles just weren’t happening. But by practicing the basics, the feeling came back to me, and I got them.
Skipping them today, I did okay. The combinations section, which a few months ago felt completely awkward, was now simple to me. And then . . . I moved on. I went to the section where she teaches an actual dance. You know, the fun part.
And the elephant was back. Really? I know how to jump, and I know how to shuffle-ball-change, but trying to put them together made me feel like an idiot.
Sooooo . . . . I stopped the DVD, and hoofed it out. I jumped and I shuffled and I ball-changed. Over and over and over and as ungracefully as possible. I did it slowly and with very little rhythm. I messed up again and again . . . but I kept going. And after about 10 minutes, I had it. Just that one little step, and far from perfect, but for me it was huge. And the rhythm got a little better and started to sound like maybe, just maybe . . . I was actually tap-dancing.
I turned the DVD back on, and tried it with her again. And this time I got it! I even went on with the next two steps, which were really easy, and felt like I had learned the first part of the routine.
See, I watch the video, and I get overwhelmed when I feel like I should have grasped that step by the time she finishes teaching it. She teaches it, she practices it, and then she moves on. But I’m not ready to move on. I’m still tripping over myself, and if I do go on, it will be a complete train wreck . . . arms, legs and tap shoes everywhere.
And this is when it hit me. This is why Flylady didn’t work for me. I needed the instruction on what was required to bring my home out of chaos and keep it in order, and she did that. But I needed to build these skills at my own pace. You could completely argue that it’s possible to do Flylady’s system at your own pace. It definitely is possible. But all of the emails, the sheer information overload was too much for me. It overwhelmed me and made me feel like a failure, so I started ignoring the emails. I set up a folder that they automatically went into (thinking I’d get to them eventually), and when I finally unsubscribed, I had over 6,000 unread emails in that folder.
Again, let me say that Flylady is great. She is big on saying that progress is more important than perfection. She encourages you to just do things, and let go of your perfectionist tendencies. But at the point when I became overwhelmed and stopped reading her emails, each one that came in (each 20-30 per day, really) made me feel like the class was moving on without me and I was falling behind.
This is why my own process, done at my own pace, is working better for me. I’m taking it slowly, and although sometimes I marvel that even though I’ve been steadily decluttering and changing habits for almost 8 months now, I still am not done.
I need to practice things until I get them right. Until they no longer feel foreign. And I need to practice them at my own pace. That’s why, for now, re-learning tap by a DVD is working better for me. I don’t have to feel like anyone’s watching me. (Though, for the record, my 4yo daughter thinks I’m “doing great!”) I don’t have to move on to the next skill before I master the last one, just because the rest of the class is ready. I can practice until I get it right, without a teacher getting antsy that it’s taking me so long. I have faith in myself that I CAN do this. Some things come easily, and others take lots of practice, but I’ll take as long as I need, because that’s how I learn.
Good for you! For recognizing how you learn and for accepting yourself as you are. That's HUGE! You ARE making great progress and again I have to say a grateful thank you for sharing.
Wow – very logical, especially to be able to translate your tap dance experience to cleaning.
I had the same experience with Flylady – at first it was great and really motivating but the emails became incredibly overwhelming…it's too bad they don't have a "Flylady Lite" version for those of us who need baby steps!
YEA! Just found your blog…good to know I am not alone! And…flylady says you have to put on shoes in the morning…blech.lol.
EXACTLY! I found your blog yesterday, and have been yelling, 'YES! THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL! THAT'S ME!' Your posts make me smile, and cry. Thank you for your openness and honesty. It's encouraging me greatly! You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself – love it! Keep up the good work, keep on keeping on, and may the Lord continue to bless your efforts.
I'm definitely going to be revisiting :')
Wow – you taught Theatre?!? On my last comment (on the Frig cleaning), the ending was supposed to be "maybe after I finish rehearsals for this show" but then I thought that was too obtuse and look at that – you would have TOTALLY gotten it!
I love how with a play, you learn it, you work it, you perform it – and then *you move on* lol
I am the exact same way with Flylady – I made the folder and I can't remember how many e-mails has been diverted there before I finally forgave myself for "not getting it" and then unsubscribed.
I've also had to realize the whole thing about not moving on until we're ready to move on – with my kids, I get on this self made schedule for their school work – and moving ahead at a certain pace and recently I had to remind myself that this is *why* we homeschool – so that if we need to slow down to get something right then that's what we do – BEFORE we move on… it really is a hard but necessary concept to learn sometimes
I made a flylady folder too! I think you might be my soul sister.
How often do you have your readers tell you that they are your slob-soul-mate? And what if I want to move on with the rest of the class and have a clean house TODAY?!
DUH! Of course that’s why Flylady was frustrating! She was touting babysteps but you got several e-mails a day telling you where you should be when you’re done. I thought I was dumb for not getting the babysteps thing. I always started with 5 things on each routine and jumped in with that, even though she said not to, those e-mails got to me! You’re so smart.
Again, for the bazillionth time I find myself thinking “We must be twins separated at birth!” Except the tap dancing. For me it is aerobics or zumba or whatever, I just can’t figure it out with the video. I might try your technique on that as well.
I have 1/2 my kitchen under control for a week now, my hallway and living room were conquered (meaning to the point where I can begin to control them) this week. My bathroom is coming along. Still so overwhelmed but trying.
I first attempted FlyLady in 1999. I go back to her time and again (and still get her emails), but I’m more like you, I think. I started reading your blog about 6 months ago, and it makes a lot more sense to me. Thank you and Happy New Year!
I started with the flylady in 2000 and with baby steps I still flow with my schedule and cleaning habits… yep I agree it was overwhelming I did deleted ALOT of emails and did what I could.
Huh… I’ve never heard of Fly Lady, but it sounds like maybe I should have?
I AGREE 100%!!!
I don’t think many could really keep up with flylady! There’s lots of great info and great advice regarding attitude, I credit her with the housework skills I have, but she hasn’t applied her own stuff to her information. Which is fine, not everything has to be perfect and polished, the gems are still there.
I too have tried Flylady and been oooovvvverwelmed! I found your blog a few months ago and have been following it since. I feel like we were separated at birth. And like you I also tap dance. This is my 7th year of dance and I love it. There is something about tap dancing that is just so cool. I am working on trying to do a stomp buck time step right now that I am having trouble with and I know about just taking it step by step practicing and I will eventually get it.
Love your blog – keep up the good work!
I totally agree. I have a full-time job and we share a washer with six other units on my floor and can only use the washer between 8am and 10pm. I cannot “reboot” the laundry every day before I go to work! I have to be more flexible than that.
Not to mention, I got so tired of her mailing list that was stuffed full of more plugs for cleaning and organizing products than actual suggestions!
I so agree~and if she got on her high horse one more time that the root cause of EVERYTHING was “perfectionism”–I’d scream!
So instead of screaming I just unsubscribed, and have not missed the incessant ‘subliminal’ advertising; ok it was blatant – and the tips were just repetitious “testimonials”. I guess her style has been great for many, but not for me. I truly wish everyone well, no matter what system they choose; but F-L, for me, ended up doing more harm than good, because of the investments, only to make zero progress, even with compliance. I think of it this way: when my sources of inspiration end up having even more “issues” than I do, it’s clearly time to move on! LOL
I’ve never been a ‘slob’, indeed was made fun of for a long time as being the Felix type rather than the Oscar. But I’m having extreme troubles keeping up for the first time; but it’s not from not knowing What to do, or When or How; but mult. physical disabilities [struck 3 diff. times over 20 yrs by "impaired" drivers], among other life-threatening incidents. The challenge to sit, stand, walk, and now see w/o special accommodation — is just the lesser of the 3 concurrent disabilities. I’m still looking for something “new under the sun” regarding managing the clutter & basic housekeeping chores when I cannot get any appropriate help to be my arms, legs, & eyes. So far, church home, local “friends”, neighbors & state agencies — have turned out to be a big bunch of abandoning do-nothings & caused deep wounds on top of all else; I think Users is the best descriptive. Paid contractors? Even more setbacks due to numerous damages to property that ,on below-poverty-level income, I cannot afford to replace, nor hire any others that might be an improvement. Any friends willing (but not able) to help are long distance. Ones that I helped for decades locally, only know my name or number when they want something. So I’m in this completely solo, hence the progress at the speed of a glacier.
Any suggestions that I haven’t already tried mult. times w/o success? I’m sincere in asking b/c I’m really at the end of my rope. I know improvement out of the huge backlog, to the point I might be able to maintain this on my own or w/minimal help, will not happen overnight. But it also won’t improve w/o appropriate help, & that has not been forthcoming for many years after numerous tries. Not a hoarding scenario, just a no-stamina situation.
Prayers always thankfully appreciated, as are manifested miracles of all sizes!
I love Flylady like you , but like you it doesnt work . I feel like i am being micromanaged and then i get frustrated and rebel . Like AA …. LOL ! I will take a little and leave a little at the website . I am getting better at the disorder and CHAOS , but i am choosing what i want to do and going from there . I just wanted to say i think you are FUNNY on you vlobs , keep up being Nony ! Thankyou, Michelle
Wow! I feel so much better just reading this one part of your blog. I found you today, but you know exactly my problems/issues. My mother has always said that I live in “happy clutter,” and while that’s nice, I’d like to have people over and no feel like I have to make an excuse for the “happy clutter.” Thank you for this blog and for being honest with your process.
I did the same thing with FlyLady & unsubscribed after having 1,000s of unread e-mails.
I think Flylady is great…if you don’t have a slob problem like us! I totally agree that I felt micromanaged. sadly the big thing I could not get over was to being all dressed and shoes tied..blah,blah blah. I WANT to be in my pajamas or other junky clothes and barefoot (unless hazardous to my health) when I clean .so when I am done I can shower and be rid of the dust and junk. I don’t want a perfect home . I want a happy home where people have matched socks and a clean fork. You, Nony have opened my eyes to MYSELF. I have felt what you have felt and you know what it makes me stronger. thank you.
Yes, yes and YES! I was nodding my head the whole time I was reading this!
I often felt with FlyLady as though it should be a simple concept so why wasn’t I able to grasp it? I think the idea is good but perhaps a few options as to how you can implement them would have been more helpful.
Plus, you’re just much funnier!
LOL! You seem to have ALL the FlyLady dropouts here! I, too, found it overwhelming, ESPECIALLY all of the emails. I just ended up feeling like even MORE of a failure. I love your ideas a LOT more. Thanks for being here for us.
well, in the 90′s I was overwhelmed with the emails, but for years now I have opted out of those emails and just visit the site and the facebook page, just say no when you feel you are being ‘pestered”
Hi!
I so agree with you. Flylady is great, but the emails are awful. I can’t stand getting so many emails every day; it makes me crazy. It may just be me, but it begins to feel a lot like nagging. I hear my Mom’s voice telling me to clean my room every time I get an email (and I’m middle aged, lol). I just changed my subscription to Flylady lite in hopes that the messages will slow down to maybe one a day. It’s too bad she can’t just do a daily digest thing like on yahoo groups.
Good luck with your place.
Kat (buried in stuff, lol)
YES! I realize this is an old post, but I love it! People who recommend Flylady to me just don’t understand. I can’t keep caught up with her, even when I plan to jump in like she says. The emails make me feel so behind, and really, for me, focusing on one room a week is asking for a tornado in the other rooms. 4 tiny tornadoes, to be exact
re flylady…add me to the long list. I started with flylady VERY early on…more than 10 years ago, just before the first international flyfest (where we all tried to get together with any local flybabies…).
I think all the concepts are sound,and I still refer to them (and refer other to them, too!!) but I’m still (as flybabies say) bumping my butt on the tarmac! Your description sounds soooo much like me. I was surprised to find out at 40 that I have ADD…..when suddenly, it all made sense. Hyperfocussing on the wrong thing. Ability/necessity to block things out when they were too overwhelming. Always gravitating to something more interesting, and wondering where the time went. (witness: me on pinterest surrounded by chaos…unnaviable chaos throughout the house!
Even with meds, I’m like a wind up toy. Once you set me down, you better make sure I’m going the right direction!!
I think a lot more of “us” have ADD and don’t realize it!!
I definitely think I have ADD tendencies. There are good things and bad things about that!
oops..that should read “unnavigable” chaos…., not “unnaviable” whatever THAT is! (doesn’t look like I can edit my post…
I love this! Since I have been a stay-at-home for nearly 30 years now, and have spent the vast majority of that time trying to “get organized,” I hear you loud and clear~! I do feel like I have made a lot of progress over the years, (I have read ALL the books!) and know pretty much what is vital to keep things livable, but it is a continual process, and always needs tweaking. I actually knew Marla (online) when she first began her FlyLady journey, before she had her own website, and I was a guinea pig for some of her first experiments. I always felt bad that her stuff simply didn’t work for me. Parts of it did, but I was just too rebellious/lazy/something to ever really make a go of it. I tried again several years back, but was immediately overwhelmed by the emails and gave it up. She says baby steps…but her baby steps are pretty big for me!
Btw, I think you and I have a lot of the same interests and issues. I love dancing and love geometry.
I just found your site, and I’m enjoying what I’ve read.
I’m so glad you found my blog! And it’s so much about finding what works in YOUR home, isn’t it?
I thought I was the only person who is such a failure at homemaking that Flylady didn’t work for them. You simply can’t jump into the Flylady system, although I really admire it and wish I could. All that you are expected to accomplish in a day, fifteen minutes at a time, takes me hours. I’ve been trying to fly for more than 10 years, it was hard to throw in the towel on it since I really felt that if that didn’t work for me there was literally no hope. Now, I feel like this blog is HOME! It’s also kind of spooky since I also used to tap dance, tried to take it up again but quit because I feel like an elephant. Maybe I need to pull out my tap shoes again…
Grab the tap shoes!! And welcome!
Hi! I just started reading your blog. How I love this posting. We have a special needs son, and this post means the world to me. I am going to start being very vigilant in encouraging him and giving him support when “the rest of the class is moving forward.” Being unique and having the ability to accept yourself is such a blessing
Thank you for your post!